at least i'm not as sad as i use to be

my blog activity has been lacking lately.  i mean a good music post every now and then is great but, i guess there could be a few readers out there who may actually be concerned with the happenings in my life.  however, i can assure you that my life is no where near as exciting as it could be.  but, life is good, so very good!  i was in a major rut for a bit, but thanks to the gospel, the guitar, yoga and good friends i have pulled out of it (or am pulling out of it- depending on the day).

let me elaborate:
i've been busy, busy, busy with my new job as an americorps member at the boy's and girls club and i just finished up my first block of summer semester as a TA for the online international peace-building classes at byu hawaii.  the latter of the two is heaven-sent, easy going, and very uplifting.  i love working with julie hawke and i adore the students i have had the opportunity of interacting with.  on the other hand, my efforts at the boys and girls club are giving me a run for my money.  if i had a dollar for every "f-u-..." turned "fudge" or a dime for ever time i heard the word "ass" or any lewd innuendo, i would be well on my way to millionaire status.

i have had more rough days than good ones and let me tell you, it  really makes me miss my job as a photographer at hans hedemann surf school.  i would give a whole lot for the ease of photographing surfers-in-training and the comedic relief of the instructors right about now.  but, as crazy as the boys and girls club is and as hard as it can be to drag myself to work, i know that in the end, it will be an incredibly fulfilling experience.

i mentioned earlier how i have been in a "rut" the past few months and it hasn't been pretty.  there have been tears and doubt, anger and fear.  i haven't been myself at all. as i have grappled with the ideas of faith, agency, and trusting in the lord, a lot has become clear to me.

in the preexistence, we fought for our freedom to choose, we fought to choose christ's plan.  but, the problem i have is confusing that freedom with idea of having the ability to choose what happens in my life.  i like to think that i have control, that my plans will prevail and that what i want is what matters most. oh contraire...

yes, i know that we have the ability to think and decide on our own but, ultimately our agency is determined by whether we follow christ and his plan of light and happiness or satan's plan of confusion and darkness.  to me, that is the core of our existence. i can't tell you what trials i will face in life, if the boy i love will choose to marry me, if i will serve a mission, or where i will go to law school but i can tell you that there is someone who knows...

on of my favorite quotes is found in the book Jesus the Christ and it says:

"our heavenly father has a full knowledge of the nature and disposition of each of his children, a knowledge gained by long observation and experience in the past eternity of our primeval childhood...by reason of that surpassing knowledge, god reads the future of child and children, of men individually and of men collectively as communities and nations; he knows what each of us will do under given conditions, and sees end from the beginning.  his foreknowledge is based on intellect and reason.  he foresees the future as a state which naturally and surely will be..."

what i have learned these past few months is that if god knows us perfectly, then he knows what will be perfect for us.  i'm slowly learning to surrender my will to his and day by day, i am becoming happier and happier.

"trust in the lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  proverbs 3:5-6

and what would be a blog post without some good music?
if you are in a rut right now i suggest that you get in your car, roll down the windows, turn on this song and drive.

  

rut=terminated.