On Womanhood

Don't get me wrong, I am all about the empowerment of women!  I detest any justifications that surround the objectification that happens all too often.  I hate it.  I almost cried after viewing the Volkswagen commercial that played during the SuperBowl and I cheered when the commercial for GoldiBlox came on.  Women are amazing, capable, beautiful, talented and strong and I am so thankful to be numbered among them.  If you haven't tried womanhood out, you have to, because it is awesome!

Besides many of my emotions and thought processes, I differ significantly from my male counterparts and I truly believe that, "gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose".  I have hips, breasts, and hormones that make me uniquely different.  And for that I am grateful. Besides these biological differences there are quite a few distinctions within my religion between males and females.  Recently, these distinctions have caused me to think and ponder on my sacred role as a woman.

I have yet to go through the temple, I am not a mother and I am not ordained to the priesthood but, I believe whole-heartedly that I have a sacred calling and mission.

I am a woman and I have the capability to bare children. I have the power to become a mother, something that men, biologically, will never be able to do or be.  When the time comes for my future husband and I to start a family, I will be connected to life at a level I can not even fathom.  Even now, I bleed so that one day I will be able to sustain and nurture a life outside of my own.  I will feel pain in order to bring life into the world.  I will ache and cry so that another human being can know joy, happiness, sadness, trials, and laughter.  If that isn't symbolic of Christ and His Atonement, I don't know what is.  My pondering has made me realize the importance of my role as a woman in building The Kingdom of God.  It is incredible and very powerful!

This blog post is simple. I know there are certain differences between myself and the men of this world and the men of my religion.  However, I am so thankful for these divine differences!  What a blessing it is to be different.  We balance each other out and help refine each other's character.  We are here to support and sustain each other as brothers and sisters.  I have never felt left out or neglected by God or the men who hold the priesthood--I have only felt uplifted and blessed and for that I am fortunate.  I am grateful for righteous and worthy men who lead and guide me and I am forever indebted to faithful women who do the same-- women of God who have raised me, served me and loved me.  

I don't know the meaning of all things but I know that God does everything in wisdom and order.  I have no reason to doubt, question or change the way He chooses to work and bless my life.  I am thankful for the experiences that help me understand my divine potential and I am grateful for the tools the Lord has given me to help me reach it.

My mother and I circa 1992.
The greatest mom and best example to me of a righteous & faithful woman. 

"When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”  —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed pre-mortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

Are We Not All Mothers, Sheri Dew

on a sunday

I am so thankful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I don't know where I would be in life it weren't for the comfort and guidance it brings to my life.  I love the Lord, my Savior and I am thankful for the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know that through Him, I can be forgiven of my sins and one day return to live with my Father in Heaven.  I know that I can be with my family forever.  I know that because of Him there is hope on this earth for a better tomorrow.  I know that prayers are answered.  I know God loves me and cares for me and that He knows me.  I know that there is a living prophet on the earth today, Thomas S. Monson.  I know that The Book of Mormon is the word of God and if we study it and allow our lives to be influenced by its words, we can draw closer to God than by any other means.  I feel the Saviors love for me everyday and I hope to become more like him.

lead kindly light

Rochers de Naye: No Regrets

My schedule here is a little wacky.  Each day has consisted of something new.  Monday I slept in. Tuesday morning I woke up at 6:00 and attempted a morning run.  Bad idea.  A, I am out of shape. B, I am living at a very different altitude than the one I am use to in Hawaii.  C, it was freezing.

Breakfast is served from 7:45am to 8:30am.  After breakfast, I then head off to trainings which start around 9:30am. There have been about three trainings a day, each lasting about two hours.  One in the morning, one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  In between I have been squeezing in naps and down time.  I'm trying very hard to balance my down time and any sort of social life.  I want to take advantage of the time I have to interact with all these wonderful people but, by the same token, I want to take advantage of any time I can have to myself.  I'm still working that one out.

Last night presented us interns with our wackiest schedule yet.  When Rob (one of our intern directors) suggested we wake up at 1:45am to go on a hike, I was a little surprised.  I was tempted to stay in bed, catch up on the sleep I seem to still be needing and wake up at the usual 7:00am (that was definitely the warmer of the two options). However, I knew it was something I wouldn't want to miss out on and I would regret not going. So, my roommates and I woke up at 1:45am and set off.  I don't know what I expected but, the hike definitely exceeded any exceptions I may have had.  Saying that I was on "Cloud Nine" would probably fit my reaction to the hike perfectly.  I love hiking, I am use to pretty mountains, I enjoy being outside but, this sunrise hike trumped anything I have ever done. 

The mountains here are spectacular.  Besides the absence of large castles, I felt as if I was walking through Rivendell, straight out of Lord of the Rings.  Stone pathways, thousands of trees, rolling hills, and (removing ourselves from the Lord of the Rings imagery) there are numerous cottages spread throughout the woods and hills that fit perfectly any stereotype you may have of a "swiss cottage"--Cute paneled wood, intricate hand carved railings, green shutters and smoke rising out of the chimney. I'm talking about picture-perfect beauty, I am constantly having to ask myself if this is real life. 

We arrived at the summit of Rochers de Naye after about three hours of hiking.  I have survived cold temperatures before but at least those times, I have been properly outfitted.  Ladies and gents, it was bitter cold and howling wind.  There was snow on the ground and I swear ice was falling out of my nose.  My fingers and toes are still unthawing.  The sun came up and the view was breathtaking.  Although I was cold, the smile could not be wiped off my face and my heart felt on fire.  I love nature.  I love God.  And I love connecting the two.  I am so thankful that my parents have instilled a love of the outdoors in me.  Without it, I probably wouldn't have made it very far this morning.  I took my film camera up and I can't wait to get the pictures developed once I get home to Utah.  But, for now, these photos will have to do.

 

As silly as it sounds, I learned a lot from this hike.  Waking up at 1:45am in the morning for thirteen miles and seven hours of hiking can teach you a lot about yourself.

I realized my potential to be positive and how big of a difference it makes in the enjoyment of an experience.  Both for oneself and those around.

I learned how good it feels to help people who may be having a hard time making it up or down the mountain (literally and figuratively).  At one point, I was helping my new friend Rana down the moment and as I held her hand, I felt so much peace and happiness in my soul.  Five days ago, this girl and I had never met.  She was living her life in Egypt and I was doing my thing in Provo, Utah.  Today's hike connected us.  It connected us as interns, as friends, and as Children of God.

I talked with multiple people about religion and faith this morning. The idea of religion and remaining committed and devoted to an idea or being more powerful than ourselves amazes me. When I first arrived here, I felt lonely and that I was lacking spiritual connectedness.  I have rarely had the opportunity or experience of being the only Mormon in a large group of people so, my faith is being put to the test.  I realized today that although I will continue to attend my Sunday sacrament meetings and that I will always read my scriptures and pray, we can connect to God through the sunrise, the smile of another, a helping hand or a conversation.  

When we started the hike, it was very dark.  Although it was hard to see much of anything, through hard work and by putting one foot in front of the other, we eventually ended up at our destination and boy, was it an amazing one.  However, that's not to say the road wasn't steep or rocky.  I think life is kind of like that, at least that is what I keep telling myself.  At times, things will get tough and the mountains we climb can be steep.  We may fall or slip but, through endurance, the journey will be accomplished.

I'm thankful that my journey in life has led me to Caux, Switzerland.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but, by taking life one step at a time, relying on the help of others and the Lord, and by finding joy in the journey, I know I will one day arrive at my destination in safety. And boy, I know it will be good one.  

it's the best, i love it.

Lately, whenever I want to talk about how happy I am, I just call my parents.  But, they are asleep right now so, I guess I guess a blog post will have to do.

If you haven't seen this video, you must watch it.  In the clip, Elder Busche states that, "the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do."  I struggled to understand this for quite some time.  As I have learned to follow the promptings of the Spirit, my mind has been enlightened and my heart has been opened.  My testimony of the importance and power of following the promptings of the Spirit has grown so much over these past few weeks.  I know that by listening to the suggestions the Spirit makes, no matter how hard or uncomfortable those promptings may be to follow, our lives will be blessed and happiness will ensue.

I have one more final and I will be done with this semester-- one of the best semesters of my college experience.  I'm not trying to prove my happiness or peace of mind to anyone but,  I wish I could explain how I feel.  I don't think I have ever experienced such happiness or ease in my life.  For the first time in what seems like ages, everything is just flowing together.  I am not stressed or anxious, worried or fearful.  My heart is full of gratitude for the people and opportunities that surround me.

In the words of Nacho Libre:
"My life is good, really good."

   

 

 

 

 

 

Brimming with Joy

I've been holding my thoughts in for a while--not necessarily out of fear or sadness but, rather because I haven't known exactly how to put them into words.

Right now, I should be studying for a mid-term but, I am avoiding it.  All I want to do is bask in the happiness and sunshine that has been surrounding me.  I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell the other day and I have thought about it a lot recently.  In his talk "Brim With Joy" he says that, "Within each of our circles of friendship there lie so many unused opportunities to love, to serve, and to be taught. Indeed, one could apply the scriptural phrase about there being 'enough and to spare' (D&C 104:17). None of us ever fully utilizes the people-opportunities allocated to us within our circles of friendship. You and I may call these intersectings 'coincidence.' This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by 'coincidence' but instead by 'divine design.'"

I know that my life is being guided by the Spirit and that the Lord is watching out for me.  I feel His love in the rain, the sun-rays, and the movement of the ocean.  I can't adequately express my gratitude for my roommates, my family, my friends, and my Savior.  

I look forward in anticipation for the future.  I am excited for the growth, the progression and knowledge that is coming my way.

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

CS Lewis.

at least it isn't mono

the other day i had a break down in my professor's office.  i felt sick, stressed and very overwhelmed-- overwhelmed because my body hurt, my throat was tight, there were piles of grading yet to be completed, mid-terms, i had just been called as the second counselor in the relief society, and there are rails that still need to be installed at the skate park.

i kept telling brother ford over and over again that my life was good and that i was fine. i've been telling myself (and everyone around me) that i am "good" and that things are "fine". mid conversation, he stopped me and asked "mckenzie, is it fine, is it really good?"

i then admitted to feeling crumby, to wanting sleep, and to having no desire to grade.  i admitted to weakness, which was really hard for me to do.  i like feeling invincible and i like feeling in control.  in the peacebuilding program i am in, we learn about a few different mindsets that lead us toward war within ourselves.  my dominant mindset is this idea of being seen as something i am not.  i have to be tough, indestructible, on-top of things, organized, and useful.  i am too proud to accept help, to stubborn to admit fragility.

as i sat crying in brother ford's office he taught me a valuable lesson.  he taught me the importance of accepting the service of others.  as i tried to turn down his offer of help, i was betraying everything i have learned in my peacebuilding classes.  we are our brother's keeper and the purpose of this life is to serve and love.  by turning down his help, i would be taking away his opportunity to serve and fulfill one of god's greatest commandments.

just as i try to watch out for my brothers and sisters, there are people surrounding me who are willing and able to offer assistance at the drop of a hat.  i have seen this manifest in countless ways the past few days.

bobby who held me as a i cried, biked me home, gave me nyquil, and tucked me into bed
parents who offered love and encouragement over the phone
denise who bought me herbal tea and popsicles
brother ford who brought me chicken noodle soup
julie hawke for picking up my slack when it came to grading
kind texts from neighbors and good friends
home teachers who administered a blessing
lauren who lent me her bike and offered to rub my back

i think back to my dear friend melanie kau who passed away almost a year ago and the example she set.  she let people serve her and love her during her battle with cancer without once being too proud or timid to ask for help.

i hope to become like melanie--accepting, humble, yet so strong in the eyes of the Lord.  to one day be like brother ford, wise and quiet as i serve and love all those around me. ultimately, i hope to become like christ, to follow his example and to not only serve but, to also accept the service of others.

i am surrounded by loving people, good examples, and helping hands.

it's times and moments like these where i can say without a doubt that "i am good".  

proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; 

and lean not unto thine own understanding. 

In all thy ways acknowledge him, 

and he shall direct thy paths.

at least i'm not as sad as i use to be

my blog activity has been lacking lately.  i mean a good music post every now and then is great but, i guess there could be a few readers out there who may actually be concerned with the happenings in my life.  however, i can assure you that my life is no where near as exciting as it could be.  but, life is good, so very good!  i was in a major rut for a bit, but thanks to the gospel, the guitar, yoga and good friends i have pulled out of it (or am pulling out of it- depending on the day).

let me elaborate:
i've been busy, busy, busy with my new job as an americorps member at the boy's and girls club and i just finished up my first block of summer semester as a TA for the online international peace-building classes at byu hawaii.  the latter of the two is heaven-sent, easy going, and very uplifting.  i love working with julie hawke and i adore the students i have had the opportunity of interacting with.  on the other hand, my efforts at the boys and girls club are giving me a run for my money.  if i had a dollar for every "f-u-..." turned "fudge" or a dime for ever time i heard the word "ass" or any lewd innuendo, i would be well on my way to millionaire status.

i have had more rough days than good ones and let me tell you, it  really makes me miss my job as a photographer at hans hedemann surf school.  i would give a whole lot for the ease of photographing surfers-in-training and the comedic relief of the instructors right about now.  but, as crazy as the boys and girls club is and as hard as it can be to drag myself to work, i know that in the end, it will be an incredibly fulfilling experience.

i mentioned earlier how i have been in a "rut" the past few months and it hasn't been pretty.  there have been tears and doubt, anger and fear.  i haven't been myself at all. as i have grappled with the ideas of faith, agency, and trusting in the lord, a lot has become clear to me.

in the preexistence, we fought for our freedom to choose, we fought to choose christ's plan.  but, the problem i have is confusing that freedom with idea of having the ability to choose what happens in my life.  i like to think that i have control, that my plans will prevail and that what i want is what matters most. oh contraire...

yes, i know that we have the ability to think and decide on our own but, ultimately our agency is determined by whether we follow christ and his plan of light and happiness or satan's plan of confusion and darkness.  to me, that is the core of our existence. i can't tell you what trials i will face in life, if the boy i love will choose to marry me, if i will serve a mission, or where i will go to law school but i can tell you that there is someone who knows...

on of my favorite quotes is found in the book Jesus the Christ and it says:

"our heavenly father has a full knowledge of the nature and disposition of each of his children, a knowledge gained by long observation and experience in the past eternity of our primeval childhood...by reason of that surpassing knowledge, god reads the future of child and children, of men individually and of men collectively as communities and nations; he knows what each of us will do under given conditions, and sees end from the beginning.  his foreknowledge is based on intellect and reason.  he foresees the future as a state which naturally and surely will be..."

what i have learned these past few months is that if god knows us perfectly, then he knows what will be perfect for us.  i'm slowly learning to surrender my will to his and day by day, i am becoming happier and happier.

"trust in the lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."  proverbs 3:5-6

and what would be a blog post without some good music?
if you are in a rut right now i suggest that you get in your car, roll down the windows, turn on this song and drive.

  

rut=terminated.

the sneakiness

i survived my first day at the new job!  working with a group of fourth graders at the boys and girls club is not going to be an easy task but after yesterday, i really think i am going to enjoy it (for the most part).  it made me reflect back to my internship with the special education students at edgemont elementary, honestly one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.  i forget how funny kids can be.  what fourth grader goes around saying, "i need to get out of this joint and find my homies" or "i went to vegas once and you definitely don't want to know what i did there".  products of their environment?  i think so.

including this new job, i have  had many experiences recently that have made me think about the lord's plan for me and what it entails.  my faith is being tried and my patience tested.  in moments like these, i find that everyone has an opinion.  everyone tells you what you should do, how you should go about your life, and the decisions you should make.  as thankful as i am for the advice, sometimes, the whirlwind of words i receive confuses instead of comforts.  

i was with a good friend of mine last night and we were discussing a really difficult trial he is facing and with optimism he said something to the affect of "the lord is a really sneaky guy because he knew this was exactly what i needed, even when i didn't and now, i'm learning my lesson".  i started laughing because who has ever heard the lord described as a "sneaky guy"?

i rely so much on my own feelings, my own strength and desires that i forget to put the will of the lord first and then when trials come, i get frustrated and often times, discouraged.  but, the trials i face (no matter how big or small) always end up being what i need most at the time.  

i read a talk by neal a. maxwell the other night and it really made me appreciate the fact that we have prophets and apostles on this earth today who give us constant, loving, and guiding advice on which i can always rely. 

---

"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us. What, therefore, may seem now to be mere unconnected pieces of tile will someday, when we look back, take form and pattern, and we will realize that God was making a mosaic. For there is in each of our lives this kind of divine design, this pattern, this purpose that is in the process of becoming, which is continually before the Lord but which for us, looking forward, is sometimes perplexing."

my best friend got married

it really does amaze me how fast time goes by.  my cousin rachel and i use to stay up into the wee hours of the night dreaming of our future lives,  who we would marry, where we would live, and so on.  i remember phone calls about first kisses, horrible break-ups, and exciting dates.  

this past weekend, she got hitched.  

her and wade have such a beautiful love and they are so happy together.  

it was a lovely day and such a sweet reminder to me of how amazing my family is and how grateful i am for the gospel of jesus christ in my life.  i get to be with this crazy bunch my whole life and throughout the eternities.  i am seriously stoked, what an awesome blessing.

 

  

 

 

let me tell you something...

when i was younger, my mom and i had an off and on relationship.  i was full of teenage angst and i thought that we had little in common.  ever since i moved to hawaii, i have become a lot closer to both her and my father.  i tell them more than i ever have, i cry to them, talk to them late into the night and we laugh a lot.  i think they are trusting me more and i have been more willing to accept their parenting.

whatever change has occurred, i am so grateful for it.  

lately, i have been feeling huge amounts of stress and anxiety.  i am nervous for my new job, i feel in inadequate for it's requirements, i'm scared i'll mess up, and i am terrified of the workload.  on top of that- i am still missing hawaii a lot and wish i could do anything to get back, i wonder quite regularly why i ever even chose to come home.

for all you punk/alternative rockers out there, you'll get this motion city soundtrack reference when i say, "the future freaks me out".  

on that note and back to my mother-

the other night while i was talking to her she related a very dear and tender experience to me of how she waited six years to become pregnant with yours truly.  she expressed to me the fears she had, the discouragement she felt and the trial it was in her life.

she then showed me this quote that she had written down during that time period:

"everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  we want things for a long time before we get them and the fact that we wanted them for a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

joseph fielding smith

i guess god is pretty genius because the flowers come after a cold winter, the biggest and best waves appear at the end of the year, and it's never until after the storm that we see the rainbow.

(and it wasn't until after waiting six long years that my parents received their favorite child)

i admit that i am weak, that i am vulnerable, and at times insecure.
 i lack faith more than i contain it, i often express doubt and fear over hope and i can be impatient, demanding, and oh-so selfish.
 i'll also admit that i don't have it all figured out but, maybe someday i will.

and maybe, just maybe there will come a day when i am as wise, faithful, and patient as my beautiful mother.

the positive outlier

These past couple of days have been full of deep thought.  On Wednesday morning my dear friend Melanie Kau passed away.  My mom came into my room, in tears to tell me the news.  I was in shock and I still am.  It surpasses all my understanding why the Lord would take such a beautiful women from this earth at this time-- leaving behind a husband and four children.  

It's been hard to watch her endure all she has.  Life is so fragile and our bodies are so imperfect but, she fought and she "endured till the end" in faith.  

As I have taken the time to reflect upon the birth, life, atonement, and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I am filled with hope.  I can't imagine the pain the Kau family is going through but it comforts me to know that the Lord had a plan for Melanie and that He has a plan for each and everyone of us.  Because of the life the Savior lived, we will live again and because of His plan, our families can be together forever. 

It's so beautiful.

There is a line from the christmas carol "Oh Holy Night" that has been playing on repeat in my head:

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices. For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"

We all will face trials in this life and we will all go through dark and sorrowful times.

But, the greatest peace comes from knowing that because of Christ, there will always be a new day, a "glorious morn".

I have a testimony of the reality of the living Christ.

I have felt his love, comfort, and peace.  I know he lives.

"Because He came, there is meaning to our mortal existence.   Because He came, we know how to reach out to those in trouble or distress, wherever they may be.  Because He came, death has lost its sting, the grave its victory.  We will live again because He came.   Because He came and paid for our sins, we have the opportunity to gain eternal life."

Thomas S. Monson