caught between the cold and the waves

My head turns and spins like the earth on its axis as I think about this life and the change it brings.  It's funny how inevitable change is.  As I reflect on all the changes I have made in my life--from moving to Hawaii to chopping off my hair, I wonder what changes I have control over (the silly changes like getting bangs or re-arranging my room) and the changes that I will leave to God's command.  What's even more amusing is the fact that as much as I crave consistency, I can't avoid adjustment.

We all have to face change in our lives.  We start kindergarten, endure or enjoy middle school and high school, go off to college, get a degree, get married, have babies, grow old, retire, and die. And in that order, most of us live our lives.  Of course there are travels in between, trials to face, goals met, and books read but, I really believe it's the changes we go through and how we handle them that make us who we are.

I remember talking to my friends in high school dreaming of our futures, imagining the possibilities of marrying our homecoming dates and dream boys, thinking that everything was perfect and that life couldn't get any better.  But guess what?  It did.  I left for college, got over the boy whom I thought was heaven sent and perfect for me.  I survived my science classes, rough hook-ups, and I watched my first rated R movie.  I stayed up late and skipped a few classes but, I learned.  And I learned a lot.

The same thing happened my sophomore year.  I changed my major (there it is, that word again), learned to surf, got my first real job dealing with taxes and other adult concepts like "being on time" and "punching hours", and I fell in love.  A similar thought crossed my mind as it did my junior year of high school: life could not get any better.

Surprise!  It didn't (at least for a little while).

I came home for the summer and change hit me in the gut, like a boxer talking his first swing in a championship match.  The swing was hard.  I was unhappy, nervous, and anxious.  As unhappy, nervous, and anxious as I had ever been.  Maybe I missed the sun, or the salty ocean water, my tan skin, and blonde hair but the biggest change came from something else-- missing love.  I felt empty and heartbroken and in the strangest way. I was cold and resilient, yet so vulnerable and it scared me.  I lived in this stupor for nearly two months and it was miserable. Not only for me, but for everyone around me. Nothing made sense, my future seemed unclear, and I felt like everything that had been in my control was careening out of it.

(Excuse the poor analogies as I go on...)

A little less than a month ago, that boxer took another swing and instead of knocking the wind out of me, I dodged his blow.  I was moved and I took action.  It was weird, something inside of me changed and I began to feel happier and more content with my life.  I know for a fact that the change was wrought on by two things.  First, a conversation I had with one of my religious leaders about the chaos that I had become accustom to.  His council helped me increase my faith, patience and trust in God.  The second factor was this: I learned to accept change.  I had spent my days wishing for better ones ahead, I was waiting and hoping for things to change on their own when, all it took was me changing my attitude about the present.

Accepting change isn't easy and it can be difficult to take life day by day, to take the lemons that life hands us and turn them into lemonade (that process itself also takes a lot of added sugar).  But, it's up to us!  It takes a combination of hard work, goals, determination, a positive attitude, and God for life to taste like a cup of Country Time on a hot summer's day.

I want to predict my future and I wish I had that power but, I don't.  And that is a really beautiful thing. The endless possibilities of change that are ahead of me are mind-blowing and the idea that I can change, that I can be whoever I want to be is extremely liberating.  Sometimes change makes things better and other times, it makes me bitter and makes life seem daunting and terrifying but, it is through those changes and how we choose to deal with them that we become who we are destined to become.

One day I will graduate from college, find my sweetheart, marry the crap out of him, we will have babies, I'll get my masters degree, we'll travel, maybe start a business, build a home and play soccer in the front yard, we'll send our kids off to school, grow old together, I'll watch him retire, we'll have grandkids, we'll serve the Lord, and then we will die.

And it will be a beautiful, beautiful life full of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, happiness and sorrow, but made complete and whole by change.