at least it isn't mono

the other day i had a break down in my professor's office.  i felt sick, stressed and very overwhelmed-- overwhelmed because my body hurt, my throat was tight, there were piles of grading yet to be completed, mid-terms, i had just been called as the second counselor in the relief society, and there are rails that still need to be installed at the skate park.

i kept telling brother ford over and over again that my life was good and that i was fine. i've been telling myself (and everyone around me) that i am "good" and that things are "fine". mid conversation, he stopped me and asked "mckenzie, is it fine, is it really good?"

i then admitted to feeling crumby, to wanting sleep, and to having no desire to grade.  i admitted to weakness, which was really hard for me to do.  i like feeling invincible and i like feeling in control.  in the peacebuilding program i am in, we learn about a few different mindsets that lead us toward war within ourselves.  my dominant mindset is this idea of being seen as something i am not.  i have to be tough, indestructible, on-top of things, organized, and useful.  i am too proud to accept help, to stubborn to admit fragility.

as i sat crying in brother ford's office he taught me a valuable lesson.  he taught me the importance of accepting the service of others.  as i tried to turn down his offer of help, i was betraying everything i have learned in my peacebuilding classes.  we are our brother's keeper and the purpose of this life is to serve and love.  by turning down his help, i would be taking away his opportunity to serve and fulfill one of god's greatest commandments.

just as i try to watch out for my brothers and sisters, there are people surrounding me who are willing and able to offer assistance at the drop of a hat.  i have seen this manifest in countless ways the past few days.

bobby who held me as a i cried, biked me home, gave me nyquil, and tucked me into bed
parents who offered love and encouragement over the phone
denise who bought me herbal tea and popsicles
brother ford who brought me chicken noodle soup
julie hawke for picking up my slack when it came to grading
kind texts from neighbors and good friends
home teachers who administered a blessing
lauren who lent me her bike and offered to rub my back

i think back to my dear friend melanie kau who passed away almost a year ago and the example she set.  she let people serve her and love her during her battle with cancer without once being too proud or timid to ask for help.

i hope to become like melanie--accepting, humble, yet so strong in the eyes of the Lord.  to one day be like brother ford, wise and quiet as i serve and love all those around me. ultimately, i hope to become like christ, to follow his example and to not only serve but, to also accept the service of others.

i am surrounded by loving people, good examples, and helping hands.

it's times and moments like these where i can say without a doubt that "i am good".  

caught between the cold and the waves

My head turns and spins like the earth on its axis as I think about this life and the change it brings.  It's funny how inevitable change is.  As I reflect on all the changes I have made in my life--from moving to Hawaii to chopping off my hair, I wonder what changes I have control over (the silly changes like getting bangs or re-arranging my room) and the changes that I will leave to God's command.  What's even more amusing is the fact that as much as I crave consistency, I can't avoid adjustment.

We all have to face change in our lives.  We start kindergarten, endure or enjoy middle school and high school, go off to college, get a degree, get married, have babies, grow old, retire, and die. And in that order, most of us live our lives.  Of course there are travels in between, trials to face, goals met, and books read but, I really believe it's the changes we go through and how we handle them that make us who we are.

I remember talking to my friends in high school dreaming of our futures, imagining the possibilities of marrying our homecoming dates and dream boys, thinking that everything was perfect and that life couldn't get any better.  But guess what?  It did.  I left for college, got over the boy whom I thought was heaven sent and perfect for me.  I survived my science classes, rough hook-ups, and I watched my first rated R movie.  I stayed up late and skipped a few classes but, I learned.  And I learned a lot.

The same thing happened my sophomore year.  I changed my major (there it is, that word again), learned to surf, got my first real job dealing with taxes and other adult concepts like "being on time" and "punching hours", and I fell in love.  A similar thought crossed my mind as it did my junior year of high school: life could not get any better.

Surprise!  It didn't (at least for a little while).

I came home for the summer and change hit me in the gut, like a boxer talking his first swing in a championship match.  The swing was hard.  I was unhappy, nervous, and anxious.  As unhappy, nervous, and anxious as I had ever been.  Maybe I missed the sun, or the salty ocean water, my tan skin, and blonde hair but the biggest change came from something else-- missing love.  I felt empty and heartbroken and in the strangest way. I was cold and resilient, yet so vulnerable and it scared me.  I lived in this stupor for nearly two months and it was miserable. Not only for me, but for everyone around me. Nothing made sense, my future seemed unclear, and I felt like everything that had been in my control was careening out of it.

(Excuse the poor analogies as I go on...)

A little less than a month ago, that boxer took another swing and instead of knocking the wind out of me, I dodged his blow.  I was moved and I took action.  It was weird, something inside of me changed and I began to feel happier and more content with my life.  I know for a fact that the change was wrought on by two things.  First, a conversation I had with one of my religious leaders about the chaos that I had become accustom to.  His council helped me increase my faith, patience and trust in God.  The second factor was this: I learned to accept change.  I had spent my days wishing for better ones ahead, I was waiting and hoping for things to change on their own when, all it took was me changing my attitude about the present.

Accepting change isn't easy and it can be difficult to take life day by day, to take the lemons that life hands us and turn them into lemonade (that process itself also takes a lot of added sugar).  But, it's up to us!  It takes a combination of hard work, goals, determination, a positive attitude, and God for life to taste like a cup of Country Time on a hot summer's day.

I want to predict my future and I wish I had that power but, I don't.  And that is a really beautiful thing. The endless possibilities of change that are ahead of me are mind-blowing and the idea that I can change, that I can be whoever I want to be is extremely liberating.  Sometimes change makes things better and other times, it makes me bitter and makes life seem daunting and terrifying but, it is through those changes and how we choose to deal with them that we become who we are destined to become.

One day I will graduate from college, find my sweetheart, marry the crap out of him, we will have babies, I'll get my masters degree, we'll travel, maybe start a business, build a home and play soccer in the front yard, we'll send our kids off to school, grow old together, I'll watch him retire, we'll have grandkids, we'll serve the Lord, and then we will die.

And it will be a beautiful, beautiful life full of ups and downs, trials and triumphs, happiness and sorrow, but made complete and whole by change.

i hope you take a piece of me with you

my thoughts have been all over the board recently.

i've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to love-- what it means to give part of yourself to another human being; whether it's emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  it fascinates me to wonder how one day you have never met someone, the next you are acquaintances and then with a little time invested in the pursuit of each other, you become lovers.  someone who had never crossed your mind, becomes the driving force for almost every one of your actions.

i think we all have our own definitions of love.  we all mold and shape it to fit our desires, our needs, and our beliefs.  some believe in soul mates while others would prefer to live life alone.

i was at a party last night.  i am not a huge party goer but, i went.  sometimes, i don't think there is anything more painful to watch than a group of young adults interacting.  small talk, flirting, avoidance-- it's all there.  i'm not a fan. over the past few months i've really thought about what i want from love and how i define it.  as life changes, so does my definition.  the last boy i dated set a really high standard for any future relationships.  i am so thankful for that.

it's a strange thing to me, how love can make us feel so whole or so torn apart.

you are the ocean

i just woke up from a very long nap, i dreamt i was back on my little island of oahu. everything was how i left it almost two months ago and i was happy, so very happy.

i was passing chun's reef while riding the bus and the waves were just my size.  the scene was picturesque.  but, for some reason i didn't have my board, i wasn't in my swimsuit and then it started to rain.

what was the perfect situation, became a missed opportunity.

feeling a bit defeated, i got back on the bus with the hope that there would be another day with even better waves than the ones i had just witnessed.

thinking i had missed the wave of a lifetime, i woke feeling a bit depressed. 

i think these types of experiences happen on a regular basis in life.  things seem to make sense, to be be beautiful, even flawless and then the rain comes, we forget our swimsuits or our board is nowhere in sight.

life and surfing have a lot in common.  there's plenty of waiting involved, some real nasty reef cuts that await you, rough conditions, crappy falls, and frustrating people to deal with but, nothing beats the feeling of a good ride.

that perfect wave makes it all worth it in the end.  

the sneakiness

i survived my first day at the new job!  working with a group of fourth graders at the boys and girls club is not going to be an easy task but after yesterday, i really think i am going to enjoy it (for the most part).  it made me reflect back to my internship with the special education students at edgemont elementary, honestly one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.  i forget how funny kids can be.  what fourth grader goes around saying, "i need to get out of this joint and find my homies" or "i went to vegas once and you definitely don't want to know what i did there".  products of their environment?  i think so.

including this new job, i have  had many experiences recently that have made me think about the lord's plan for me and what it entails.  my faith is being tried and my patience tested.  in moments like these, i find that everyone has an opinion.  everyone tells you what you should do, how you should go about your life, and the decisions you should make.  as thankful as i am for the advice, sometimes, the whirlwind of words i receive confuses instead of comforts.  

i was with a good friend of mine last night and we were discussing a really difficult trial he is facing and with optimism he said something to the affect of "the lord is a really sneaky guy because he knew this was exactly what i needed, even when i didn't and now, i'm learning my lesson".  i started laughing because who has ever heard the lord described as a "sneaky guy"?

i rely so much on my own feelings, my own strength and desires that i forget to put the will of the lord first and then when trials come, i get frustrated and often times, discouraged.  but, the trials i face (no matter how big or small) always end up being what i need most at the time.  

i read a talk by neal a. maxwell the other night and it really made me appreciate the fact that we have prophets and apostles on this earth today who give us constant, loving, and guiding advice on which i can always rely. 

---

"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us out of this world, even though we are not of it. In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore, not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us. What, therefore, may seem now to be mere unconnected pieces of tile will someday, when we look back, take form and pattern, and we will realize that God was making a mosaic. For there is in each of our lives this kind of divine design, this pattern, this purpose that is in the process of becoming, which is continually before the Lord but which for us, looking forward, is sometimes perplexing."

let me tell you something...

when i was younger, my mom and i had an off and on relationship.  i was full of teenage angst and i thought that we had little in common.  ever since i moved to hawaii, i have become a lot closer to both her and my father.  i tell them more than i ever have, i cry to them, talk to them late into the night and we laugh a lot.  i think they are trusting me more and i have been more willing to accept their parenting.

whatever change has occurred, i am so grateful for it.  

lately, i have been feeling huge amounts of stress and anxiety.  i am nervous for my new job, i feel in inadequate for it's requirements, i'm scared i'll mess up, and i am terrified of the workload.  on top of that- i am still missing hawaii a lot and wish i could do anything to get back, i wonder quite regularly why i ever even chose to come home.

for all you punk/alternative rockers out there, you'll get this motion city soundtrack reference when i say, "the future freaks me out".  

on that note and back to my mother-

the other night while i was talking to her she related a very dear and tender experience to me of how she waited six years to become pregnant with yours truly.  she expressed to me the fears she had, the discouragement she felt and the trial it was in her life.

she then showed me this quote that she had written down during that time period:

"everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  we want things for a long time before we get them and the fact that we wanted them for a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

joseph fielding smith

i guess god is pretty genius because the flowers come after a cold winter, the biggest and best waves appear at the end of the year, and it's never until after the storm that we see the rainbow.

(and it wasn't until after waiting six long years that my parents received their favorite child)

i admit that i am weak, that i am vulnerable, and at times insecure.
 i lack faith more than i contain it, i often express doubt and fear over hope and i can be impatient, demanding, and oh-so selfish.
 i'll also admit that i don't have it all figured out but, maybe someday i will.

and maybe, just maybe there will come a day when i am as wise, faithful, and patient as my beautiful mother.

i'll be yours to keep

after a good conversation with a very good friend, i have come to realize that love is a battle.  

i'm either fighting for someone, fighting against a myriad of emotions, or trying to prove my strength.
love isn't perfect, although it is often portrayed to be so.  

it can be combatted by anger, fear, and regret.  

at times, i wonder if it is a battle worth fighting. 

 love can be painful, so very painful.

but it's purpose is beautiful.  it brings joy and a happiness worth fighting for,

a feeling that can't be replaced by anyone or anything.
it's a fight we want to win but loss is inevitable.
i love love, it has me feeling wonderful emotions and it has made me think more than i ever have. 

love is falling apart only to realize what makes us whole. 

i think this song is beautiful and i'm obsessed with the lyrics.

Darling you're with me, always around me.
Only love, only love.
Darling I feel you, under my body.
Only love, only love.
Give me shelter, or show me heart
Come on love, come on love.
Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart.

And I'll be yours to keep.
A wind in the shadow, a whale song in the deep.

"Give me shelter or show me heart, come on love, watch me fall apart."

satisfaction

i am easily swayed by the likes and dislikes of others.  it's sickening, really.

i automatically wonder how many likes a photo or status  will get, if a picture will be re-pinned, or if there

will be a comment waiting for me at the end of the day.

i compare myself to everyone around me.  i want their voice, her clothes, his skills, longer hair and legs.

i want to be funnier and more athletic, more organized and up-to-date. 

most of the time, i want to be someone other than myself.

it's hard keeping track of who you are in this world.  i wish it wasn't.  

and i wish i was more confident in myself.

but, i find that as i grow older, i am getting there.

i don't want to be recognized for my jeans, my shoes, or my amazing hand-bag.

i want to be known for my thoughts, my ideas, my testimony and my talents.

i want simplicity.

i want to be satisfied.

“Learn to like what doesn't cost much. 

Learn to like reading, conversation, music. 

Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking. 

Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills. 

Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different from you. 

Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction doing your job as well as it can be done. 

Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs. 

Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things. 

Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof 

and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day. 

Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others.” 

Lowell C. Bennion

part of the universe

Astrophysicist Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson was asked by a reader of TIME magazine, "What is the most astounding fact you can share with us about the Universe?" This is his answer:

for the mom and pops

i have the best parents in the world.  packages from my mom filled with sugar cookies, new clothes, decorations, fall leaves, and pictures?  nothing better i tell you.  and conversations on the phone with my number one dad, are always the best.

i also really enjoy finding out that i got a 91 out of 100 on a paper that is worth a large chunk of my grade from a professor who is suppose to be very hard to please.

the same class that i received that 91% has turned out to be one of my favorites.  groups, leadership, and culture.  my teacher is chad ford (type his name in on google, he's kinda a big deal) and every time i leave that class, my mind is blown.  seriously, blown.  we talk about the deepest of subjects and what i love is that we are able to tie it all back to the gospel.

here's one example of how my mind has been boggled:

the first day of class my professor handed out note cards and told each student to write down the name of every group they felt they belonged to.  here's what i came up with: 

i am a king, i am a sanders, i am a young single adult, i am a mormon, i am a teenager, i am a byuh student, i am a member of timpview high's graduating class of 2010, i am a blogger, i am a byu fan, i am from provo utah, i live in the riverbottoms, i am an english speaker, i am caucasian, i am norwegian, i am blonde, i am conservative, i am a ICS major, i am a sophmore, i am human, i am a skier, i live off campus, i am female, i facebook, i am american, i am skinny, i am an athlete, i am an outdoor enthusiast, i am a college student, i am a child of god, i live on the north shore, i am a haole, i surf, i am a nanny, i attend relief society

after we had made our lists, my professor said something that i will never forget:

"groups not only tell us who we are but who we aren't"

think of all the stigmas that come with each group i listed. 

needless to say, i left class asking myself the same question as this guy:

we discussed how groups only exist because we create them.  at this point my mind exploded.
what would our world be like if there were no groups?  the groups we belong to influence us so heavily and as i have started to pay closer attention to this fact, i have become more aware of the power of group think.  i so often judge people based on the fact that they don't belong to a certain one of my groups, i judge them because they are not part of the "us" they are "them".
this is a little discouraging.  the world is so complicated and it is filled with problems and i have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
how can one person make a difference?
how can i make a difference?
how can i "be the change i wish to see in the world"?

i don't have the answers to all these questions but, i am trying find them.
maybe i'll be like the guy above and open a center for kids who can't read good and wanna learn to do other stuff good too.  
but, hopefully one day i can be like this guy or this girl
OR
i'll grow up to be just like my mom (i've told you how awesome she is) and that will be alright with me.

i'm the map.

i really do wish i could classify myself as talented when it comes to crafty things but, alas i am no genius.
but, i pulled it together today and made this beauty.

i am sure you are wondering how in the heck i come up with awesome projects like this...well, i don't.  i just have super creative friends.

and don't be fooled, this may look oh-so-complicated but, all i did was cover a cork board with a map.
piece of cake.

the best thing about this DIY project is that you can make it super personal.  all you need is a map of your favorite country, city, state, or place you have been and then go from there.  you can also get creative with the size of cork board which makes it even more artsy-farsty. 

however, if you're going to give it a whirl here are some tips:

• iron the map before you apply it
• use only a small amount of glue or it will seep through the map
• be careful covering the edges, as the map lays tighter, the paper may rip
• apply the map to the board in sections and smooth the map as you go

doing projects like this gets me super stoked to one day design my own home and it makes me extremely thankful for young woman's activities where i learned how to apply modge-podge.

semper fi

if you want to read an amazing post about america check out my friend danielle's blog, wow she is a beautiful writer.

i love america.  i tend to get emotional about this subject.  i am so blessed, we are so blessed. i really believe that God set apart this country for great things, amazing things.  the restoration of the gospel, the building of temples, my ability to be baptized.  every amount of happiness the gospel brings me stems from the freedoms we have been given.  america, it's beauty and diversity amazes me.

  i admire the courage that has been shown throughout the ages; the pilgrims, the founding fathers, the pioneers, those who have fought for equality among races, religions, and gender, those who answered the call to defend our freedoms during world war II, those who defend them today.  and yet we have people who criticize our decisions, the choices we make 

(and granted we have made some crappy decisions).  

however, i believe that the people who lead this country aren't perfect but america, america, you are pure.  your intentions, your thoughts, your goals; you want nothing more than to bring everyone the joy you so often feel.  the joy you felt when women received the right to vote, the joy you felt when so many of your people rushed to the aide of tsunami victims in japan,  the joy you felt when slavery was abolished, the joy that is summed up in the statement:

"all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

and how amazing is it that "we hold these truths self-evident"?  it's no wonder so many want to come and partake of the joy that america has to offer.  the joy i feel when i attend school, the joy i feel when i go to work, when i read the book of mormon, the joy that comes from being able to put on a swim suit and dive into the pool, drive a car, own a gun, write on a blog. 

america, you are beautiful.

running down a dream

i dislike not having goals.  ever since my tennis career was ousted, i haven't had any goals when it comes to my physical activity.  i have had nothing to work for, nothing to get excited about.  the other day i overheard my cousin adam and my uncle layne talking about how many marathons they had run and what their future running plans consisted of.  i chimed in with how running a marathon had always been something i wanted to do and how it still needed to be crossed of my bucket list.  needless to say, i left the conversation with a promise to run the ogden marathon next may and to join in next year's ragnar.  but before i do either of these things, i need to whip my keester into bloody shape. so, on that note, i am off to the gym.

eat, pray, love

i need a hobby.  

i realized this when my bishop asked me what my hobbies were and all i could think of was "blogging".

how pathetic?

or maybe i need a talent, since my last tennis match in high school, i have become an unproductive bum.

a new talent would be nice.

i find myself becoming envious of people who can sing in front of large crowds, speak multiple languages, play the guitar around a campfire or make food that tastes so good people fight to eat at their table.  i am jealous of the people who have traveled the world and who can tell inspiring stories that bring tears to peoples eyes from both sorrow or laughter.

i am going to become one of those people.

someone who can bake a cake so mouth watering, people beg for the recipe.

someone who can plant a garden so beautiful it looks like an image straight out of better homes and gardens magazine.

i feel a little bit like liz gilbert from eat, pray, love but let's be honest, she is my inspiration.

minus the divorce and her horrible attitude towards marriage and commitment, i aspire to be her.

in the movie (i know i am a failure, i have yet to read the book) liz goes on an unbelievable quest to find herself.  now it's my turn. 
***
although i won't be living in italy or visiting the dalai lama,
 this summer my quest is going to include:

the temple, gardening, photography, piano, baking, singing, hiking, reading, yoga, loosing fifteen pounds, candy making, sewing, working, not sleeping in past 7:30, biking, camping, no facebook, finishing the bible, serving

"A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

Write a post about something that is merely “good” but not “great”.

i fritter away my time blogging...which somehow makes this next post very ironic.

seeing as how my creativity flow is very limited, i had to research (yes, research) topics to write about.  how lame of a blogger am i?  pretty darn lame, if you ask me...

but, as i was doing so, i came across this topic, "Write a post about something that is merely 'good' but not 'great'".

...feel free to disagree with my list.

1. hershy's kisses are good, but hershy's hugs are just incredible.
2. a JBC from wendy's is yummy, but a burger from Kahuku Grill is the best thing that'll ever grace your taste buds.
3. the harry potter movies are decent...but, the books are pure bliss.
4. s'mores over the stove are fun but, s'mores over an open fire are fan-freaking-tastic.
5. texting may be more convenient...but, trust me, calling is better.

blah, blah, blah...you get the gist.

the main point of this entry is this: "never settle for mediocrity". 

(thank you mr. paul larsen for instilling that in my mind" *starts to pound piano*)

but honestly, why settle for something good when you can have the best?

why do we fill our time with menial tasks? 

how many times have you heard your friends say, "hold on, i have to check facebook."

i mean seriously? you have to?  life or death situation?...i'm not buying. 

the comment someone leaves on your new profile picture will still be there tomorrow.

...and the next day...and the day after that.

how many times do we settle with the guy who treats us poorly or the friends who end up stabbing us in the back?

why do we so often choose the cover of "boys of summer" by The Ataris when we could be listening to the original by Don Henley?
----
don't settle for what is merely "good" when you can have what is "great".
----
"As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good.  Other choices are good.  Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all."
Dallin H. Oaks

what a clever metaphor...

have you ever hopped in the car, stuck the key in the ignition, turned on the music, pulled out of the driveway and then arrived at your destination not realizing how you got there? not realizing you have been driving for 20 minutes on autopilot.  you obeyed all the rules: looked before you merged, stopped at all the stop signs, gave pedestrians the right of way, etc...it's the weirdest feeling, like you were in some sort of daze, which, probably isn't the safest thing to be caught doing, but it happens.  

sometimes i feel like i get in this same trance with life.  that is an even stranger feeling.  

i'll end up some place wondering: how in the heck did it get here?

i obeyed all the rules, drove through the green lights, stopped on the red lights, and sped up for yellow lights.

but somehow i wasn't even thinking about what i was doing.

it's scary.

how did i get here?

not just here to hawaii...that's obvious, i flew.

but what in my life led me to being here?

my grades weren't anything amazing, i finished high school with a 3.5 and a 25 on the ACT? not too shabby.

but seriously? what landed me here?

just like in driving: i took drivers ed, practiced, passed the test, drove safely and arrived at my destination.

in my patriarchal blessing it tells me to ask myself "where will it lead?"

and a lot of the time i feel like saying, 

"how the heck am i suppose to know where it will lead?! I'm just going with the flow."

but most of the time we can't just go with the flow.  we have to slam on our brakes, realize we took a wrong turn and get back on the right path.

 if we feel lost, we can call our mom who tells us what exit to get off at, we pull up mapquest on our iphone, or we stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

in life we have been given everything we need in order to arrive at our destination safely, if we will just follow the rules, ask for directions, and  pull out "mapquest".

my friend courtney and I were just talking about how crazy life is and how you never can predict what is going to happen.

where will i be in two years? five years? even next year?

it's a strange thought.

there will probably be a few detours, some scenic routes, the occasional flat tire, a broken windshield, an empty gas tank, and some speed bumps, but not matter what, i know my destination.
 i'll get there and realize the ride was worth it.

"trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding...in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

proverbs 3:5-6

all i do is...worry

i was born with a curse. not the type of curse where i am doomed to prick my finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die at the age of 18 (i'm still alive if you haven't caught that)...but a curse nonetheless.  i am a worrier and a big one at that.  i self diagnosed myself as OCD.  who else as a child would check (multiple times) to make sure all the doors in their house were locked or make sure that during the drought, that all the faucets were completely turned off? and do that about 10 times? or who refused to use public restrooms for fear of contracting a serious disease?

---

although i perform none of those OCD "rituals" anymore i have worry written all over my face.  i'm telling you, it is a curse.  for some crazy reason my brain was wired to i over think, over analyze, and over complicate every situation. i hate it.  i can never just go with the flow. sometimes it's the stupid things i spend time on: what to wear or what to say in a text...but then it's the big things too: i worry if i chose the right major, when i'll get married, i worry about my health, the economy, boys....the works. seriously, i worry about it all.  but, i guess i have my reasons to worry, my reasons to be concerned, however my biggest comfort comes from one of my favorite scriptures:

---

"behold, God is my salvation; i will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he has also become my salvation." 2nd Nephi 22:2

---

i love this.  fear is the opposite of faith and doubt is the opposite of trust.  God is my salvation, no matter what my worries, he'll save me from them. one of the hardest things for me to realize is that faith is a choice, it isn't something that is just going to be handed to me.

---

"choose faith. choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism."

---

easier said then done.  my obituary will probably state that i "was worried to death". 
uh....i have a lot to work on.

first attempt to write more on my blog...

fresh ideas? I struggle with them.

have you ever heard the quote "nothing of me is original.  I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known"(chuck palahniuk)?  

well the second i heard that, i thought, "well this is lame".

...i am not original: my clothes, my sayings, my ideas, my choice of music.  none of it.

craaaap. i am nothing special.

but here's my insight: everything of me is original.  my voice, my smile, my laugh, my hair, my eyes, my body.
with an estimated 6,904,942,120 people on this planet, i am different than every single one of them. i have my own journey, my own destiny, my own tests, trials, triumphs.  you name it, it's mine.  i can be who i want, when i want.

and so, i am reminded of a quote from harry potter (when am i not reminded of something harry potter related?):

"not me, not hermione, YOU."

one of my favorite stories of all time is that of Louis Charles, the son of King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette.  Just after King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette of France were executed, the men running the French kingdom exposed, Louis Charles, to everything vulgar, wordly, and vile in hopes of persuading the people that he was lavish and wicked. For months they surrounded him with alchohol, gambling, prostitues, and tyranny and for months he denied everything they offerred. After relentless trying, the men finally decided to simply execute Louis Charles as well. On the way to the guillatine one of the men asked him why he would not accept any of the worldly pleasures they promised him, to which Louis Charles responded: "I could not, for I was born to be a king." 

we are each destined to greatness.  we are each born to become royalty.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

i am brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, powerful.  i am meant to shine.

i am original.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. " 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

where will it lead?

i can't help but recognize the lord's hand in my life.  i honestly believe that everything happens for a reason.  every person i have met, every wonderful thing that has taken place and every terrible event that has occurred has shaped me into the person i am today.  i was talking to one of my unit-mates last night (another tender mercy of the lord's) and i realize that everything that has happened here in hawaii, was suppose to happen and my life would be going in a completely different direction if i hadn't come here.  i would  be in a completely different state of mind and i would still have my priorities mixed up. i came here expecting something  to happen that didn't.  my life took a 180 degree turn and for that i will forever be grateful.  it has taken time, but, here i am in february at a place i never imagined and i love it.

"changes, i've never been good with change but i hate it when it all stays the same."

i understand how necessary change is in life.  i must talk about this a lot because i am saying things that seem very familiar to me.  but last night it dawned on me, this is a very large part of my testimony.  the lord sees the big picture.  i am so blind.  i am so naive.  i am so stupid.  i am finally starting to know for myself that trust in the lord is the only answer, faith will always be the only cure.  everything works out, it always does.

sounds like a lot of hoopla.

new years may be the most pointless holiday in the universe.  why do we enjoy counting down and screaming at the top of our lungs to celebrate a new year so much? one year closer to death, another year gone. all this holiday is, is a reminder of all my resolutions from the past year that were never accomplished.

great, besides feeling old i also feel lazy.

i think i get more excited about punxsutawny phil seeing his shadow. 

how anticlimatical? 10, 9, 8...3, 2, 1....nothing happens. absolutely nothing.  you just stand, as i did last night, at a dance, watching people get some, and wondering why you paid $20 to be surrounded by a bunch of ugly homeboys acting like complete imbeciles.  it just ain't all it's cracked up to be.  and i, mckenzie king, refuse to take part in these festivites from here on out.

hello 2011.
goodbye 2010.

believe me, i am much more excited than i sound...