bother...bother...bother

things that annoy me at this particular moment in time:

twitter
#whoreallycareswhatyouareeatingfordinner #malignantnarcissism

instagram 
polaroids and film effects use to be cool, until everyone started using them.

timeline
angst towards change, that's it.

meme
y u no realize how idiotic you sound?  y u no use proper english?

mononucleosis
fevers, headaches, swollen tonsils and lymph nodes, loss of appetite, sore throat, and sleepiness are uncomfortable symptoms to deal with during my last three weeks in hawaii.

*disclaimer, if you use or like any of the items mentioned above, i still like you.  just not the action.*

let me open up

i am almost 20.  it's a bit freaky to realize that.  right now, my thoughts are a whirlwind.  i had a discussion with my mom the other day that put me in a really pensive mood.  it's tough hearing that you are living a life that may not be consistent with what your parents and loved ones want.  i am not drinking or smoking, i don't have a tattoo on my ankle or piercings all over my body, but i am and have broken away from my families stereotype and that has thrown everyone for a loop.  i am not living in provo, i am not a business major, and my career path doesn't entail me making millions.  i don't plan on marrying a doctor, or a lawyer, or driving fancy cars.

i have established a new comfort zone, miles away from the one i knew for eighteen years of my life and get this- i am happy and i love my life.  i love my friends, my job, surfing, the simplicity of an island, and what i am studying.  it feels right and it feels good.  i have never understood math, or science, language learning, or history and the technicalities of english through me for a loop.  but this whole "hippy-save-the-world-peacebuilding" thing makes sense and i get it.  i wish everyone could.  i am not smoking pot, i don't have dreads, and i don't believe in free love.  maybe hawaii has changed me but that isn't a bad thing.  i am not as naive as i once was and i know i have made decisions that i shouldn't have but, i am still conservative, i still go to church, have a testimony, and i still desire to settle down and have a family.  i am still mckenzie.

i have dreams of living outside of mediocrity and i will make them happen.  i know what i am doing and who i am but, i get lost and confused all the time.  i am scared for the future, i make mistakes.  i don't know exactly where i will end up or who i will become but i am taking things day by day, learning, and growing.  the waves haven't stopped, but i have learned how to surf.

"when life gives you lemons...make lemonade"

forget that.
i don't have the time or patience, and i sure as heck don't want to taste something sweet right now.
i want to punch something, take someone out, maybe even scream a little.

not have a flippin' lemonade stand.

i walked into urban outfitters yesterday and not only did i realize how poor i am, i realized how un-stylish i am. my wolf shirt, cut of jeans, and toms weren't doing it for me.  ah, how i wish i owned/could pull off every item of clothing in that store.

yesterday, trent and i spent the day in salt lake and after a random turn of events that involved dehydration, crutches, and some spewing, we changed our original plans of t-pain for temple square.  probably a very good decision.  we talked to the sister missionaries and it convinced me even more of how much i want to serve a mission (please heavenly father, don't let marriage get in the way of these plans).  I want so desperately to serve, learn about, and grow closer to the lord.  and who knows, maybe that will happen while i am in ukraine, or maybe it will happen while back in hawaii but, a mission would absolutely rock.

i know i talk about this a lot and it's probably because i have finally made the transition from dating premies into the wonderful world of dating returned missionaries (dun, dun, dun)... 
but...

i really cannot emphasis how unready and unprepared i am for marriage and/or steady dating.
people my age are getting married, boys i date talk about what they want in a wife or future family.
toto, i am not in young woman's anymore.  GOSH, I AM IN A SINGLES WARD and that in and of itself freaks me out. every last one of those boys has marriage tattooed on their foreheads.  they know what they want and they are going to get it.  and let me tell you, i also know what i want and it does not include being tied down.

i am going back to hawaii, i am going to finish as much school as possible, i am going to ukraine to teach english, i want to go on a mission, i want to intern with TOMS, i want to go to the philippines and help build a school, i want to go to sun valley with porter when he gets home, i want to run a marathon, i want to go to norway and sweden with my family, i want to have a stable job, i want to develop my talents...

and someday, someday i will find the man for whom i will give up all my selfish independence and pride for.

and so, in order to detract from the seriousness of this post, in the words of lupe fiasco:

"i'mma keep it cool, i'mma do me...it is what it is and that's how it's gonna be".

until i get there.

exasperation

sometimes i just wish i could turn off my brain, turn off my emotions and just shut down.

i am so sick of thinking about the future.

but, by the same token, i also feel like i'm not thinking about the future enough.

so here's a suggestion: someone might want to start filling out the paper work to admit a patient (me) into the utah valley mental health facility because if one more person asks me what i plan on doing with an ICS major, i may go crazy and if one more person has the audacity tell me i will be married before i am twenty-one, i will most-likely punch a hole through the nearest wall.