let me tell you something...

when i was younger, my mom and i had an off and on relationship.  i was full of teenage angst and i thought that we had little in common.  ever since i moved to hawaii, i have become a lot closer to both her and my father.  i tell them more than i ever have, i cry to them, talk to them late into the night and we laugh a lot.  i think they are trusting me more and i have been more willing to accept their parenting.

whatever change has occurred, i am so grateful for it.  

lately, i have been feeling huge amounts of stress and anxiety.  i am nervous for my new job, i feel in inadequate for it's requirements, i'm scared i'll mess up, and i am terrified of the workload.  on top of that- i am still missing hawaii a lot and wish i could do anything to get back, i wonder quite regularly why i ever even chose to come home.

for all you punk/alternative rockers out there, you'll get this motion city soundtrack reference when i say, "the future freaks me out".  

on that note and back to my mother-

the other night while i was talking to her she related a very dear and tender experience to me of how she waited six years to become pregnant with yours truly.  she expressed to me the fears she had, the discouragement she felt and the trial it was in her life.

she then showed me this quote that she had written down during that time period:

"everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  we want things for a long time before we get them and the fact that we wanted them for a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

joseph fielding smith

i guess god is pretty genius because the flowers come after a cold winter, the biggest and best waves appear at the end of the year, and it's never until after the storm that we see the rainbow.

(and it wasn't until after waiting six long years that my parents received their favorite child)

i admit that i am weak, that i am vulnerable, and at times insecure.
 i lack faith more than i contain it, i often express doubt and fear over hope and i can be impatient, demanding, and oh-so selfish.
 i'll also admit that i don't have it all figured out but, maybe someday i will.

and maybe, just maybe there will come a day when i am as wise, faithful, and patient as my beautiful mother.