the leaves are falling

"It was like autumn, looking at her.  It was like driving up north to see the colors." Jeffery Eugenides 

thoughts on barefeet

I remember learning how to tie my shoe laces.  Looping the two bunny-years through a hole and tying a double knot.  I showed my classmates, my grandparents and my older brother.  They were proud but my feet felt claustrophobic.  As a child, I hated shoes.  I loved feeling the hot cement burn the soles of my feet and feeling the wet grass squeak between the cracks of my toes.  I would delicately step across the gravel which led to our pasture-- the little pebbles creating indents on my dirty little feet.  There was a stream that ran in front of my house.  My feet splashed in the cold water and slipped along the mossy rocks.  My feet helped me climb trees or win a game of tag.  They would curl around the pedals of my bike and propel me forward on my scooter. 

My grandma would tell that if I didn’t wear shoes I would catch a cold and my father would tell me to stay off the carpet.  My mother would make me rinse my feet off every night before I could get into bed.  In the bathroom, I would wrap my toes around the gold handles of the drawers to help hoist myself onto the counter.  I would grab a wash cloth and the bar of soap and start scrubbing off the grey grime.  It was as if my feet were crying black tears as the memories of the day were washed down the drain.  There went the puddle jumping, the games of football with my brothers, or chlorine from a day at the pool.  

My feet carried my body, my feet carried my memories.

After the tears had been shed, I would dry the remains and hop down from the counter and feel the smooth linoleum beneath my pink feet.  I would then run across the hall, the carpet comforting my soles after their loss.  I’d clamber up onto my bed and reach my toes to the coolest part of my sheets. I’d wiggle them around and then close my eyes.

My feet have brought me up mountains and have splattered around in the Italian Riviera.  Sometimes they are covered in mud and when the music starts, they move me across the dance floor. I love when the waves of the ocean embrace my skin or when the sand clings to my toes long after I have left the beach.  I love feeling the grass prickle the bottom of my thick soles and the heat from the dark pavement seep through my calloused heals.

My feet carry my body, my feet carry my memories.

As I have reached adulthood, I rarely hear my grandmother caution me against illness and since I don't live at home, I am never told to keep my feet off of the carpet.  But, most nights, I still find myself with a washcloth and soap in hand.  And my feet still cry as the bubbles and warm water carry the moments of the day away from my soles.  

I dry the tears and run across the unswept linoleum of my apartment and crawl into bed, reaching my bare-feet to the coolest part of my sheets.  I wiggle my toes around a bit, then close my eyes.

My feet will carry my body, my feet will carry my memories.

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Khalil Gibran

"Maybe we should all just listen to records and quit our jobs." Jack White

patience

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke 

Brimming with Joy

I've been holding my thoughts in for a while--not necessarily out of fear or sadness but, rather because I haven't known exactly how to put them into words.

Right now, I should be studying for a mid-term but, I am avoiding it.  All I want to do is bask in the happiness and sunshine that has been surrounding me.  I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell the other day and I have thought about it a lot recently.  In his talk "Brim With Joy" he says that, "Within each of our circles of friendship there lie so many unused opportunities to love, to serve, and to be taught. Indeed, one could apply the scriptural phrase about there being 'enough and to spare' (D&C 104:17). None of us ever fully utilizes the people-opportunities allocated to us within our circles of friendship. You and I may call these intersectings 'coincidence.' This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by 'coincidence' but instead by 'divine design.'"

I know that my life is being guided by the Spirit and that the Lord is watching out for me.  I feel His love in the rain, the sun-rays, and the movement of the ocean.  I can't adequately express my gratitude for my roommates, my family, my friends, and my Savior.  

I look forward in anticipation for the future.  I am excited for the growth, the progression and knowledge that is coming my way.

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

CS Lewis.

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."

Theodore Roosevelt

ray bradbury

“If you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling. You must write every single day of your life. You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads. I wish you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories — science fiction or otherwise. Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.”

i'm dreaming of some hot chocolate, elf, my little puppy, a home-cooked meal, a full-fridge, christmas decorations, snow, and most of all my family.

Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.

— Edith Sitwell

a dreamer of pictures

“I’m not here to sell things. That’s what other people do, I’m creating them. If it doesn’t work out, I’m sorry; I’m just doing what I do. You hired me to do what I do, not what you do. As long as people don’t tell me what to do, there will be no problem.”

neil young

{via ny times}

clarity

A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.

— George, A Single Man

I  can't express how happy I am that it is August.   

This summer has proved me wrong and has flown by.  

I am off to Denver for the weekend,  my job ends in two weeks, and Hebgen Lake is around the corner. 

...and so is Hawaii.

AND SO IS HAWAII!!

music to my ears

i read a quote yesterday that said:
"music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life"

i thought that was really beautiful and i couldn't agree more.

happiness

i started reading the book "mere christianity" the other day and it is blowing my mind.

c.s. lewis has a way with words.  the chapter i read today focused a lot on the idea of free-will and happiness and this quote struck my fancy:

"the happiness which god designs for his higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water".

later in the chapter he discusses the idea of satan's plan to counterfeit the happiness god offers to us.

"when satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could 'be like gods'--could set up their own as if they had created themselves--be their own masters--invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside of god, apart from god.  and out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history-- money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery-- the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than god which will make him happy."

these ideas really got me thinking about the relationship i have with god and its correlation to my happiness.

i started making a list of everything that makes me happy:
long conversations with my best friend
the guitar
yoga, running, and being healthy
sitting on the back porch with my family
jumping into a pool
hitting a really good volley in tennis
surfing
running on the beach
eating good food
going to the temple
sunsets
family dinner
driving with the windows down and the music loud
running through the grass with bare-feet
being in love
riding my bike or longboard
working hard
***
the list goes on and on.  i am such a blessed girl.  honestly, it makes me emotional thinking about the life i have been given.  i make mistakes everyday yet somehow, god's love and blessings are always there.  i have an amazing family, a healthy body, the kindest friends, a beautiful home, a rocking education and i'm a member of the most soul-filing religion out there.  i get down about life sometimes, it's perplexities, and the unknown but i have every reason to be the happiest human alive and guess what?  i think i am.

"I hope we can be happy where we are, be grateful for our blessings—now, here—accept the challenge that is ours and make the most of it, and not be envious of others...God help us to be grateful for our blessings and never to be guilty of the sin ingratitude" 

Ezra Taft Benson

kindred spirits

my mom has reminded me so many times of a quote by neal a. maxwell that says: 

"Within each of our circles of friendship there lie so many unused opportunities to love, to serve, and to be taught.  None of us ever fully utilizes the people-opportunities allocated to us within our circles of friendship. You and I may call these intersectings "coincidence." This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by "coincidence" but instead by "divine design."

 i've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed i am.  i whole-heartedly believe that the lord gives us the people we need, when we need them most.  

man alive, i am so thankful for all those he has placed in my life.

being able to spend time with these two, here in utah has been a real joy.  i honestly don't know what i would do without them.

 

let me tell you something...

when i was younger, my mom and i had an off and on relationship.  i was full of teenage angst and i thought that we had little in common.  ever since i moved to hawaii, i have become a lot closer to both her and my father.  i tell them more than i ever have, i cry to them, talk to them late into the night and we laugh a lot.  i think they are trusting me more and i have been more willing to accept their parenting.

whatever change has occurred, i am so grateful for it.  

lately, i have been feeling huge amounts of stress and anxiety.  i am nervous for my new job, i feel in inadequate for it's requirements, i'm scared i'll mess up, and i am terrified of the workload.  on top of that- i am still missing hawaii a lot and wish i could do anything to get back, i wonder quite regularly why i ever even chose to come home.

for all you punk/alternative rockers out there, you'll get this motion city soundtrack reference when i say, "the future freaks me out".  

on that note and back to my mother-

the other night while i was talking to her she related a very dear and tender experience to me of how she waited six years to become pregnant with yours truly.  she expressed to me the fears she had, the discouragement she felt and the trial it was in her life.

she then showed me this quote that she had written down during that time period:

"everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting.  we want things for a long time before we get them and the fact that we wanted them for a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."

joseph fielding smith

i guess god is pretty genius because the flowers come after a cold winter, the biggest and best waves appear at the end of the year, and it's never until after the storm that we see the rainbow.

(and it wasn't until after waiting six long years that my parents received their favorite child)

i admit that i am weak, that i am vulnerable, and at times insecure.
 i lack faith more than i contain it, i often express doubt and fear over hope and i can be impatient, demanding, and oh-so selfish.
 i'll also admit that i don't have it all figured out but, maybe someday i will.

and maybe, just maybe there will come a day when i am as wise, faithful, and patient as my beautiful mother.

satisfaction

i am easily swayed by the likes and dislikes of others.  it's sickening, really.

i automatically wonder how many likes a photo or status  will get, if a picture will be re-pinned, or if there

will be a comment waiting for me at the end of the day.

i compare myself to everyone around me.  i want their voice, her clothes, his skills, longer hair and legs.

i want to be funnier and more athletic, more organized and up-to-date. 

most of the time, i want to be someone other than myself.

it's hard keeping track of who you are in this world.  i wish it wasn't.  

and i wish i was more confident in myself.

but, i find that as i grow older, i am getting there.

i don't want to be recognized for my jeans, my shoes, or my amazing hand-bag.

i want to be known for my thoughts, my ideas, my testimony and my talents.

i want simplicity.

i want to be satisfied.

“Learn to like what doesn't cost much. 

Learn to like reading, conversation, music. 

Learn to like plain food, plain service, plain cooking. 

Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking, rowing, climbing hills. 

Learn to like people, even though some of them may be different...different from you. 

Learn to like to work and enjoy the satisfaction doing your job as well as it can be done. 

Learn to like the song of birds, the companionship of dogs. 

Learn to like gardening, puttering around the house, and fixing things. 

Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof 

and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter day. 

Learn to keep your wants simple and refuse to be controlled by the likes and dislikes of others.” 

Lowell C. Bennion

this is good, too good

there are few instances in life where i recall feeling this good.  byu declined me, once again.  failure maybe?  expected, perhaps.  but, i just think the Lord has other things in store for me.  i feel free-- free of the worry, anxiety and stress of waiting and wondering.  i still think about what life has in store for me but, in the words of tom petty, "the future is wide open" and for now i plan on living by these words:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

f. scott fitzgerald

little loves

i have been a very inconsistent blogger as of late.  i am so swamped with school and life seems to get busier and busier as the semester progresses.

however, i do find ways to fritter away numerous amounts of time surfing the world wide web.

here are some of my most recent finds.

this quote, from this awesome website that i just can't get enough of:

i am also just a little obsessed with this number:
worship?



sometimes i try to be educated and read articles about leadership and other such topics.

i could drain my bank account spending all of my money on anthropologie's clothing.
i especially love this, this, and this.

and when i need a good laugh i turn to steven colbert.
because he never disappoints...
ever.

my two-edged sword

i'm feeling pretty powerful right now because it's over--

i am done with fall semester 2011.

party time, excellent.

could you be loved

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

bob marley