at least it isn't mono

the other day i had a break down in my professor's office.  i felt sick, stressed and very overwhelmed-- overwhelmed because my body hurt, my throat was tight, there were piles of grading yet to be completed, mid-terms, i had just been called as the second counselor in the relief society, and there are rails that still need to be installed at the skate park.

i kept telling brother ford over and over again that my life was good and that i was fine. i've been telling myself (and everyone around me) that i am "good" and that things are "fine". mid conversation, he stopped me and asked "mckenzie, is it fine, is it really good?"

i then admitted to feeling crumby, to wanting sleep, and to having no desire to grade.  i admitted to weakness, which was really hard for me to do.  i like feeling invincible and i like feeling in control.  in the peacebuilding program i am in, we learn about a few different mindsets that lead us toward war within ourselves.  my dominant mindset is this idea of being seen as something i am not.  i have to be tough, indestructible, on-top of things, organized, and useful.  i am too proud to accept help, to stubborn to admit fragility.

as i sat crying in brother ford's office he taught me a valuable lesson.  he taught me the importance of accepting the service of others.  as i tried to turn down his offer of help, i was betraying everything i have learned in my peacebuilding classes.  we are our brother's keeper and the purpose of this life is to serve and love.  by turning down his help, i would be taking away his opportunity to serve and fulfill one of god's greatest commandments.

just as i try to watch out for my brothers and sisters, there are people surrounding me who are willing and able to offer assistance at the drop of a hat.  i have seen this manifest in countless ways the past few days.

bobby who held me as a i cried, biked me home, gave me nyquil, and tucked me into bed
parents who offered love and encouragement over the phone
denise who bought me herbal tea and popsicles
brother ford who brought me chicken noodle soup
julie hawke for picking up my slack when it came to grading
kind texts from neighbors and good friends
home teachers who administered a blessing
lauren who lent me her bike and offered to rub my back

i think back to my dear friend melanie kau who passed away almost a year ago and the example she set.  she let people serve her and love her during her battle with cancer without once being too proud or timid to ask for help.

i hope to become like melanie--accepting, humble, yet so strong in the eyes of the Lord.  to one day be like brother ford, wise and quiet as i serve and love all those around me. ultimately, i hope to become like christ, to follow his example and to not only serve but, to also accept the service of others.

i am surrounded by loving people, good examples, and helping hands.

it's times and moments like these where i can say without a doubt that "i am good".