Be Still My Heart

We had just finished our weekly Magelbey's breakfast and I was sitting in the passenger seat as he drove me home.  Sometimes I'm Katy Perry but, this time I was Celine Dion and I was giving the performance of a lifetime.  With the seatbelt still around my waist, I somehow managed to kneel atop the seat as we drove along University Avenue. The window was down and I belted the words to the song I Drove All Night.  His laughter encouraged my performance and as I hit the final note, we were pulling into my driveway.

I love those moments with him-- almost as much as I love our conversations about God or our families.  The thing is, it does't matter.  It doesn't matter if I am lip-syncing "Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Company or discussing the power of culture.  He laughs and he listens.  To say that he is perfect for me is an understatement.  

Three months ago I cried to my cousin as I felt the frustrations and pressures of dating.  I was hurt and I was terrified.  Up until that point, the only love I had dabbled with was unrequited.  Flash forward three months and I've realized something: it was all worth it! Every painful and pathetic dating experience has prepared me for today and ultimately they have prepared me for Colby.  The guy who quotes movies with me and takes me to the temple every week.  The man who opens doors for me and who bought me tickets to see Les Miserables.  He makes me cry from laughing so hard and he encourages me to become a better person. He is strong and determined, faithful, patient and kind.  

When I was younger, I dreamt of becoming famous and performing in front of thousands.  I would write lyrics and plays and dance around to the soundtrack of Wicked in my room.  This dream never came true but another one has. 

I'm no Idina Menzel or Celine Dion but, Colby is my biggest fan and "baby, when I think about you, I think about loooooooove".

On Womanhood

Don't get me wrong, I am all about the empowerment of women!  I detest any justifications that surround the objectification that happens all too often.  I hate it.  I almost cried after viewing the Volkswagen commercial that played during the SuperBowl and I cheered when the commercial for GoldiBlox came on.  Women are amazing, capable, beautiful, talented and strong and I am so thankful to be numbered among them.  If you haven't tried womanhood out, you have to, because it is awesome!

Besides many of my emotions and thought processes, I differ significantly from my male counterparts and I truly believe that, "gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose".  I have hips, breasts, and hormones that make me uniquely different.  And for that I am grateful. Besides these biological differences there are quite a few distinctions within my religion between males and females.  Recently, these distinctions have caused me to think and ponder on my sacred role as a woman.

I have yet to go through the temple, I am not a mother and I am not ordained to the priesthood but, I believe whole-heartedly that I have a sacred calling and mission.

I am a woman and I have the capability to bare children. I have the power to become a mother, something that men, biologically, will never be able to do or be.  When the time comes for my future husband and I to start a family, I will be connected to life at a level I can not even fathom.  Even now, I bleed so that one day I will be able to sustain and nurture a life outside of my own.  I will feel pain in order to bring life into the world.  I will ache and cry so that another human being can know joy, happiness, sadness, trials, and laughter.  If that isn't symbolic of Christ and His Atonement, I don't know what is.  My pondering has made me realize the importance of my role as a woman in building The Kingdom of God.  It is incredible and very powerful!

This blog post is simple. I know there are certain differences between myself and the men of this world and the men of my religion.  However, I am so thankful for these divine differences!  What a blessing it is to be different.  We balance each other out and help refine each other's character.  We are here to support and sustain each other as brothers and sisters.  I have never felt left out or neglected by God or the men who hold the priesthood--I have only felt uplifted and blessed and for that I am fortunate.  I am grateful for righteous and worthy men who lead and guide me and I am forever indebted to faithful women who do the same-- women of God who have raised me, served me and loved me.  

I don't know the meaning of all things but I know that God does everything in wisdom and order.  I have no reason to doubt, question or change the way He chooses to work and bless my life.  I am thankful for the experiences that help me understand my divine potential and I am grateful for the tools the Lord has given me to help me reach it.

My mother and I circa 1992.
The greatest mom and best example to me of a righteous & faithful woman. 

"When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”  —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed pre-mortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

Are We Not All Mothers, Sheri Dew

At the Moment

There's something different about this one.  Something about the way he makes me laugh.  Something about the way I never want to leave his side.  I can't get enough of his brown eyes or his wide smile. He holds my hand whenever I want and kisses my cheek when he wants me close. Somehow it isn't about winning him over or convincing him of a feeling that I can't put into words. He just knows.  

He calms my fears.  He has replaced my doubts with trust and turned my anxiety into a peaceful reassurance that what I am doing is right and where I am going is good.  

in my head

I've been thinking about the ocean and why it is the only thing I know how to write about.

I've been thinking about travel and a lot about change.

I've been thinking about freedom and complete independence.

I've been thinking about memories while staring at the stars.

I've been thinking about what it means to feel and how it is to be alive.

How it is to be alive!

Photo Credit: Emma Erickson, Good Company

lead kindly light

musings on happiness

The past few months have been very surreal.  At the beginning of May, I broke up with my boyfriend of over year and a half.  It was an event that at one point in my life, seemed unfathomable. But, it happened, it was right and the decision to call things off made my soul feel light and brought me back to a reality that I had been removed from for a long time.  The month of May was filled with laughter, adventures, smiles and gratitude.  For the fist time, in a long time, I felt whole.  I was going swimming at night, I was listening to my kind-of music, I was making silly jokes, and dancing crazy.   I became "McKenzie" again.  June took me to San Clemente, San Francisco, Utah, and then Switzerland.   My life is literally tripping me out (pun intended).

I am having life-changing experiences, meeting the most amazing people, and I am learning so much.  I have been on a constant cloud nine.  But, the other night, for some stupid reason, I was sad.  I was upset about an instance that doesn't deserve all the time or thought I am putting into it.  It was a weak moment of mine where I let someone else's actions get the best of me.  While at dinner, I vented about the circumstance to my boss and I was set on returning to my room to sulk about the situation which was (and still is) miles out of my reach and control.  Everyone else was going to the city, everyone else was going to have fun but at that moment, all I wanted to do was turn on some angsty music and stare at the ceiling in sorrow.

Then it hit me.

I am currently living out one of my dreams by living in Europe.

"What the $%#^% do I have to be sad about?!"

So, at that moment, I made a choice: I am going to be happy and I am going to be positive.  I am always going to be happy and I am always going to be positive.

Happiness is a choice.  Happiness is the people we choose to surround ourselves with, the experiences we choose to have, and the attitudes we culminate. Over the past few days, weeks and months, this fact has become more evident to me than ever.  It's the law of attraction-- positivity influences positivity. Simple as that.

My good friend Taylor wrote an incredible and thought-provoking blog post the other day about how we often use social media to give off the impression that our lives are perfect.  It really made me think and reevaluate how I portray myself. One of my goals in life is to be real, both in person and on my social media facets.  Although I tend to always write about the happy times in my life, here I am, here is the real me-- my hair is a lions mane.  I will never be considered a fashionista.  I rarely cook and when I do, I eat unhealthy.  I pick at my nails and I have blemishes on my face.  I don't take national-geographic worthy photographs or play the guitar like Jimmy Hendrix.  And let's be honest, my spanish could use some work.  Now, I am not saying this all to throw a pity party or to receive validation but, I want to demonstrate the fact that I am not perfect.  I have things that I am working on and areas that need improvement.  But, people, I am ok with that.  I love my life, I honestly do.

I have had my trials and I have my insecurities.  I recognize that there will always be hardships and challenges to overcome and life isn't always sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.  But, I have learned (and maybe the hard way) that although I may not be able to choose what happens to me in life I can always choose my reaction.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel a little upset or anxious about the incident I mentioned above but, when I look around, I am overwhelmed at how much the Lord has given me.  I feel so blessed.

There is a quote from the movie, Into the Wild that says, "happiness is only real when shared." I wish I could adequately express my happiness and I wish I could properly share all the joy that is in my heart.

Rochers de Naye: No Regrets

My schedule here is a little wacky.  Each day has consisted of something new.  Monday I slept in. Tuesday morning I woke up at 6:00 and attempted a morning run.  Bad idea.  A, I am out of shape. B, I am living at a very different altitude than the one I am use to in Hawaii.  C, it was freezing.

Breakfast is served from 7:45am to 8:30am.  After breakfast, I then head off to trainings which start around 9:30am. There have been about three trainings a day, each lasting about two hours.  One in the morning, one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  In between I have been squeezing in naps and down time.  I'm trying very hard to balance my down time and any sort of social life.  I want to take advantage of the time I have to interact with all these wonderful people but, by the same token, I want to take advantage of any time I can have to myself.  I'm still working that one out.

Last night presented us interns with our wackiest schedule yet.  When Rob (one of our intern directors) suggested we wake up at 1:45am to go on a hike, I was a little surprised.  I was tempted to stay in bed, catch up on the sleep I seem to still be needing and wake up at the usual 7:00am (that was definitely the warmer of the two options). However, I knew it was something I wouldn't want to miss out on and I would regret not going. So, my roommates and I woke up at 1:45am and set off.  I don't know what I expected but, the hike definitely exceeded any exceptions I may have had.  Saying that I was on "Cloud Nine" would probably fit my reaction to the hike perfectly.  I love hiking, I am use to pretty mountains, I enjoy being outside but, this sunrise hike trumped anything I have ever done. 

The mountains here are spectacular.  Besides the absence of large castles, I felt as if I was walking through Rivendell, straight out of Lord of the Rings.  Stone pathways, thousands of trees, rolling hills, and (removing ourselves from the Lord of the Rings imagery) there are numerous cottages spread throughout the woods and hills that fit perfectly any stereotype you may have of a "swiss cottage"--Cute paneled wood, intricate hand carved railings, green shutters and smoke rising out of the chimney. I'm talking about picture-perfect beauty, I am constantly having to ask myself if this is real life. 

We arrived at the summit of Rochers de Naye after about three hours of hiking.  I have survived cold temperatures before but at least those times, I have been properly outfitted.  Ladies and gents, it was bitter cold and howling wind.  There was snow on the ground and I swear ice was falling out of my nose.  My fingers and toes are still unthawing.  The sun came up and the view was breathtaking.  Although I was cold, the smile could not be wiped off my face and my heart felt on fire.  I love nature.  I love God.  And I love connecting the two.  I am so thankful that my parents have instilled a love of the outdoors in me.  Without it, I probably wouldn't have made it very far this morning.  I took my film camera up and I can't wait to get the pictures developed once I get home to Utah.  But, for now, these photos will have to do.

 

As silly as it sounds, I learned a lot from this hike.  Waking up at 1:45am in the morning for thirteen miles and seven hours of hiking can teach you a lot about yourself.

I realized my potential to be positive and how big of a difference it makes in the enjoyment of an experience.  Both for oneself and those around.

I learned how good it feels to help people who may be having a hard time making it up or down the mountain (literally and figuratively).  At one point, I was helping my new friend Rana down the moment and as I held her hand, I felt so much peace and happiness in my soul.  Five days ago, this girl and I had never met.  She was living her life in Egypt and I was doing my thing in Provo, Utah.  Today's hike connected us.  It connected us as interns, as friends, and as Children of God.

I talked with multiple people about religion and faith this morning. The idea of religion and remaining committed and devoted to an idea or being more powerful than ourselves amazes me. When I first arrived here, I felt lonely and that I was lacking spiritual connectedness.  I have rarely had the opportunity or experience of being the only Mormon in a large group of people so, my faith is being put to the test.  I realized today that although I will continue to attend my Sunday sacrament meetings and that I will always read my scriptures and pray, we can connect to God through the sunrise, the smile of another, a helping hand or a conversation.  

When we started the hike, it was very dark.  Although it was hard to see much of anything, through hard work and by putting one foot in front of the other, we eventually ended up at our destination and boy, was it an amazing one.  However, that's not to say the road wasn't steep or rocky.  I think life is kind of like that, at least that is what I keep telling myself.  At times, things will get tough and the mountains we climb can be steep.  We may fall or slip but, through endurance, the journey will be accomplished.

I'm thankful that my journey in life has led me to Caux, Switzerland.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but, by taking life one step at a time, relying on the help of others and the Lord, and by finding joy in the journey, I know I will one day arrive at my destination in safety. And boy, I know it will be good one.  

in my prayers

i'm thankful for my many blessings--

for my home, food, and clothes and

for my dads nice job.

i'm thankful for my family

for my dad and his hard work and patience

for my mom and the good homemaker she is

for my brothers and their humor.

i'm thankful to be in hawaii and for the beauty that surrounds me.

i am thankful for the education i am receiving and for the support of my family.

i'm thankful for my job and my professors and all that they do for me.

i'm thankful for my aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.

i'm thankful for my body, my voice and my talents and abilities.

i'm thankful for good roommates and fun friends and the good examples they are.

i'm thankful for bobby and all he does for me and for the example he is.

i'm thankful for my health and strength.

i'm thankful for american and the freedoms that i am blessed with because i live here.

i'm thankful for those who serve this country to protect those freedoms.

i'm thankful for the book of mormon, joseph smith, christ's perfect example and his atonement.

i'm thankful that my dad and older brother served full-times missions and that ryan is preparing to serve.

i'm thankful for the priesthood, my church leaders, repentance, and eternal families.

i'm thankful for the prophet and apostles and the missionaries throughout the world.

i'm thankful for my testimony, faith, and prayer.

this one

every now and then i have these moment where i become completely overwhelmed with life. i feel stressed, anxious, over-worked, tired, and weak.  i've related this feeling to that of falling off my surfboard and being tossed around by the waves.  it is turbulent, there is darkness, no air, and no direction. you just have to let the force of the wave push you until you can regain control. the worst part about this scenario is when you do gain control, reach the surface and find your breath, another wave comes and it happens all over again.

yesterday, i had one of the best surf sessions of my life.   lauren and i tandem-ed on a twelve foot board until the sky was dark and my legs were raw.  it was one of the most beautiful and perfect nights.  the sky was a cotton-candy blue and pink and the sun's reflection on the water was illuminating.  compared to the heaviness i have been feeling lately, i felt light and whole.  the waves, the sun, the rising moon, and good company were what i needed to start this week off right.

i've learned a lot of life lessons through surfing---in the end no reef cut, fall, wedgie, or amount of swallowed salt water can beat the feeling of being in the wave on and on my board. 

one of my favorite quotes will always be:
"you can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf"

numero uno

today i am grateful for my body.

i'm thankful that i can run and stretch and breathe.

i am thankful that i have scars, big and little. 

i am thankful i can sing and dance, surf, wakeboard, and play tennis.

i'm grateful that my body is healthy and strong--

that i have curves and that i am a women.

i'm grateful that i have a heart that beats and a brain that thinks.

i am grateful for my blue eyes and my little ears.

i'm thankful that god trusted me with this body.

i'm grateful he has provided a way for me to feel things physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

at least it isn't mono

the other day i had a break down in my professor's office.  i felt sick, stressed and very overwhelmed-- overwhelmed because my body hurt, my throat was tight, there were piles of grading yet to be completed, mid-terms, i had just been called as the second counselor in the relief society, and there are rails that still need to be installed at the skate park.

i kept telling brother ford over and over again that my life was good and that i was fine. i've been telling myself (and everyone around me) that i am "good" and that things are "fine". mid conversation, he stopped me and asked "mckenzie, is it fine, is it really good?"

i then admitted to feeling crumby, to wanting sleep, and to having no desire to grade.  i admitted to weakness, which was really hard for me to do.  i like feeling invincible and i like feeling in control.  in the peacebuilding program i am in, we learn about a few different mindsets that lead us toward war within ourselves.  my dominant mindset is this idea of being seen as something i am not.  i have to be tough, indestructible, on-top of things, organized, and useful.  i am too proud to accept help, to stubborn to admit fragility.

as i sat crying in brother ford's office he taught me a valuable lesson.  he taught me the importance of accepting the service of others.  as i tried to turn down his offer of help, i was betraying everything i have learned in my peacebuilding classes.  we are our brother's keeper and the purpose of this life is to serve and love.  by turning down his help, i would be taking away his opportunity to serve and fulfill one of god's greatest commandments.

just as i try to watch out for my brothers and sisters, there are people surrounding me who are willing and able to offer assistance at the drop of a hat.  i have seen this manifest in countless ways the past few days.

bobby who held me as a i cried, biked me home, gave me nyquil, and tucked me into bed
parents who offered love and encouragement over the phone
denise who bought me herbal tea and popsicles
brother ford who brought me chicken noodle soup
julie hawke for picking up my slack when it came to grading
kind texts from neighbors and good friends
home teachers who administered a blessing
lauren who lent me her bike and offered to rub my back

i think back to my dear friend melanie kau who passed away almost a year ago and the example she set.  she let people serve her and love her during her battle with cancer without once being too proud or timid to ask for help.

i hope to become like melanie--accepting, humble, yet so strong in the eyes of the Lord.  to one day be like brother ford, wise and quiet as i serve and love all those around me. ultimately, i hope to become like christ, to follow his example and to not only serve but, to also accept the service of others.

i am surrounded by loving people, good examples, and helping hands.

it's times and moments like these where i can say without a doubt that "i am good".  

pictures and words

i have been trying to find something to post about for a while now but, to no avail. 

...maybe my life would be a pretty fitting topic.

i spend most of my days on campus, in class, and in the library.  school, school, school.  work, work, work.  i am incredibly busy and the days are flying by--- is it really october?  i am having a hard time believing that i am a junior in college. kinda freaky.  however frightening the concept of "growing up" may be, i am thrilled for the future.  honestly, thrilled.  

i went to a forum the other day where one of my professors discussed graduate school options for conflict resolution.  you can bet that i started crying.   there is nothing better than knowing you are where you are suppose to be and that you are doing what you are suppose to be doing.  i have such great classes, incredible teachers, a good job, amazing friends, and i live across from the beautiful, blue ocean.  how could life get any better?

i don't ever want to take a day for granted out here.  my walks to and from school, daily conversations with bobby, the sand that gets everywhere, my sweaty and tan skin, no food in the fridge, or car to drive.  it's such a simple life but, i know it won't remain this way forever.  

    

cruising to the beach // babysitting summer and watching brave // dinner with some of my favorite people // baby-sitting with my bestie at turtle bay

black and white

honestly, he's my best friend.

happiness

i started reading the book "mere christianity" the other day and it is blowing my mind.

c.s. lewis has a way with words.  the chapter i read today focused a lot on the idea of free-will and happiness and this quote struck my fancy:

"the happiness which god designs for his higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water".

later in the chapter he discusses the idea of satan's plan to counterfeit the happiness god offers to us.

"when satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could 'be like gods'--could set up their own as if they had created themselves--be their own masters--invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside of god, apart from god.  and out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history-- money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery-- the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than god which will make him happy."

these ideas really got me thinking about the relationship i have with god and its correlation to my happiness.

i started making a list of everything that makes me happy:
long conversations with my best friend
the guitar
yoga, running, and being healthy
sitting on the back porch with my family
jumping into a pool
hitting a really good volley in tennis
surfing
running on the beach
eating good food
going to the temple
sunsets
family dinner
driving with the windows down and the music loud
running through the grass with bare-feet
being in love
riding my bike or longboard
working hard
***
the list goes on and on.  i am such a blessed girl.  honestly, it makes me emotional thinking about the life i have been given.  i make mistakes everyday yet somehow, god's love and blessings are always there.  i have an amazing family, a healthy body, the kindest friends, a beautiful home, a rocking education and i'm a member of the most soul-filing religion out there.  i get down about life sometimes, it's perplexities, and the unknown but i have every reason to be the happiest human alive and guess what?  i think i am.

"I hope we can be happy where we are, be grateful for our blessings—now, here—accept the challenge that is ours and make the most of it, and not be envious of others...God help us to be grateful for our blessings and never to be guilty of the sin ingratitude" 

Ezra Taft Benson

lessons from the rain

i'm sitting here, quit alone in an airport 2594 miles away from my beloved hawaii and 652 miles from my beautiful utah.  there is no one around, except a janitor who is meticulously mopping the moving-sidewalk in front of me. my thoughts and emotions are keeping me company.

it's incredible to me how life turns out.  eight months ago, i was unsure of my decision to head back to byu-hawaii for school and i had sworn off any possibility of dating.  the angst toward both of those topics had me feeling a range of emotions i never thought possible.  maybe my unease about hawaii was in part, due to a boy, maybe i was scared and selfish, or just comfortable in utah with my family and friends.  i don't know why i stepped onto that plane last september, i don't know why i didn't just stay in provo, transfer to UVU and live at home.  it would have been an easy thing to do and i know i would've been happy.  but instead, i boarded that plane, i did go back to byu hawaii, and even more shocking, i fell in love.

trying to explain my love for hawaii, school and that certain boy would be hard to do.  in fact, i am tempted to leave it at, "all three have changed my life" but, that would not be fair to any of them.

there is no place on earth like hawaii, and even more specifically laie.  it is sacred and pure, beautiful and untouched.  no feeling on earth can replace the one of cruising on a longboard down kulanui street or biking kamehamea highway, catching your first wave at malekahana's or looking up into the night sky and feeling the infinite glory of God as you see millions of stars shining down on you.  it's magical, there really is no other way to describe it.  the saying: "there must be something in the water" has become very real to me-- i can tell you there is something in the water that surrounds that little island.  and once you drink it, once that fabulous liquid slides down your throat, it quenches a thirst you never knew existed.  that craving will always remain and while it does, it begs you to take another sip.

i've battled the idea of transferring schools one too many times.  sometimes i want something bigger, something with more variety and other times, i am trying to satisfy the desires of loved ones, but many times, i just ache for change. over the past year, this desire has been fighting a hard battle and it's given up.  i love my school, the diversity, my major.  i love the small classes, the intimate relationships i am able to have with many of my professors and i love that i attend a university where my religion surrounds me.

about seven months ago, there was a broadcast of the general relief society meeting and at the same time, a musical fireside. i had friends attending the broadcast, but for some unknown reason, i chose the latter of the two.  how thankful i am that i did!  i had the first of many conversations with bobby that night and i have to admit, although it was simple and driven by nerves, it will always remain one of my favorites. the future between the two of us is very unknown and unclear but i can say that without a doubt in my mind, bobby has been exactly what i have needed in my life. his kindness, patience, and love for the gospel surpass mine on every level and i am so thankful for every moment i have been able to spend with that tall, dark and handsome boy.

i have learned so much these past moths.  life is complicated, hard, and full of questions without answers but, that is what makes it so perfect, so mysterious, and so absolutely wonderful.  God has blessed me beyond my understanding and i have felt his love for me on a daily basis.  the warmth of His love and the sunshine have kept my whole this past year and i can't wait until the day i return to the sandy shores and towering palm trees of my own, little slice of heaven. 

when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

when i was younger, each thanksgiving my grandma would give every member of the family a little black day planner.  her goal was to have us come back the following year having written down 365 things we were grateful for.  i would go home, toss the book aside and 365 days later i would open the book up and scribble a few things down here and there, so that when i had to read a few pages to her, she would be convinced i had thought her idea a brilliant one.  she wasn't fooled.  

i've been told that showing gratitude is a sign of maturity.  which makes me think that i must not have been too mature back then.  

i'm not claiming myself to be the epitome of wise, responsible or grown-up, but i am definitely a different person than the girl who tossed aside the opportunity to realize her many blessings.

i love the thanksgiving holiday and the time i have been given to reflect on the beauty that surrounds me.

i spent the day surfing, eating, and in good company.  it was simple, there was no hype.

i'm grateful for a strong body, a caring family, a loving god, a free country, a beautiful home, a religion that brings peace, talented friends, and so much more. 

“the grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.  pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. how much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man.” 

joseph f. smith

the land of sun-tan lotion

it's the most wonderful time of the year and i do not mean christmas--

the surf comps are underway.

we were lucky enough to get our pictures taken with with both rob machado and kalani robb. 

 i think i'm in love.

what better way to start thanksgiving break?

i am so very grateful for good music, free rockstars, great friends, surfing and the sun.

 

 

sometimes, i forget to actually write about myself and what i am feeling on my blog, not just about what i am doing.  i think i have a fear of boring my readers but, i need to get over that fear because i started this blog for the selfish purpose of preserving my memories.  

i think i can honestly say that right now, i am the happiest i have been in  a while.  i remember talking to by boss over the summer about my decision to come back to hawaii and she told me that the most important lesson she has learned in life is to never put your personal feeling of peace on the line.  i was really scared to come back to hawaii, i had so many feelings of apprehension but, i am so thankful for the decision i made to step onto that plane.  

i don't know why i was born with the curse of worrying but, i was.  i stress out so much about the future. am i in the right place? am i with the right people? am i really being the best i can be? am i doing the right things?
in church on sunday, the stake relief society came and talked to us and one of the sisters emphasized the importance of aligning our will with god's.  i think i have a really hard time with this, although it is what i most want in life.  i stress out so much about my plans that i put the lord's aside.  i know so whole-heartedly that he knows what is best for me but i sometimes forget that he knows and sees the whole picture.  i've learned a really important lesson this week and month: it is so much easier to put our trust in god's plan than in our own.  what's difficult is trying to figure out exactly what god's plan is.  

one of my favorite scriptures is john 14:27 "peace i leave with you, my peace i give unto you: not as the world giveth, give i unto you.  let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." lately, i have felt so much of that peace.  not the false sense of peace that the world sends but the quite and divine peace that comes from my lord and redeemer.  

my heart is so full of gratitude and love towards my savior and for the peace his gospel brings.

i am so thankful to be where i am, to be doing what i am doing, and to be surrounded by the people i am with.  

"learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my spirit, and you shall have peace in me."

{Doctrine and Covenants 19:23}

dear grandpa,

i am so sad i couldn't be there to help celebrate your 80th birthday.  it breaks my heart when i realize how much i miss out on when i am away at school.  but the greatest knowledge i have is that families are forever and no matter where we are, we always have each others love to keep us strong and to keep us going.  thank you for teaching me that and for teaching me that the only two things that matter in life are family and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  it seems that not matter what you are doing, your life is always centered on those two things: serving our lord and serving your family. 

i don't think you'll ever fully understand how great of an example and influence you have been in my life.  never once have i seen or heard you complain about life and how hard it can get.   you live life with faith and hope and there is a great deal to be said about that! there have been times when you have been cooped up in a tiny hospital room for days, eating terrible food and you still are happy, you are always happy.
i don't think anyone in this world has grandparents as supportive as you and grandma are.  i can't remember a single tennis match, recital, talk, graduation, or performance where you haven't been there, front and center, cheering me on.  it means the world to me to know that you care so much about me and my life.  

the man i marry has a VERY high bar to measure up to.  you served a full time mission, you were an amazing father to my dad, you treat grandma like a queen, you are always laughing, you are so generous and kind to everyone you meet, you are hardworking and devoted, you are a righteous priesthood holder and you serve the lord with all your heart.  i honestly don't know if i will ever be able to find a man that measures up to you.
today on the phone you said that in your old age you forget some things but, there are just some things that can't be forgotten.  well, at my ripe ol' age of 19 i really do cherish the memories i have had with you.  i remember the mule rides, the trips to the pool, getting "suicides" from wills pit stop, yellowstone, st. george, camping, thanksgiving and christmas dinners, park city, disneyland, byu games, pheasant hunting, the night you brought me tiffy, and so many more...and someday, when i am 80, those will still be the memories i hold on to.

grandpa, you are a spiritual giant and i am so thankful and blessed to be able to have you in my life.  i am so thankful you and grandma were married in the temple and because of that example you have taught us all the importance of a temple marriage and the importance of keeping those sacred covenants. i am SO grateful i get to be with you and the rest of the family forever!  

i miss you so much and can't wait to see you in just a few short months.

i love you!

let the monsters see us smile

last night was perfect.  we had some new friends over to our house- bobby and his friend jeff.  i didn't know what to expect.  i hardly knew bobby and jeff, i didn't know at all.  our house isn't anything special and we didn't have much on the agenda.  we ended up playing games on the porch with isaac and manasseh: crack the coconut and jog in a pool.  we were all laughing our heads off.  kaylyn's new name is coconut, lauren is now the pineapple princess, and jeff was dubbed the walrus.  i really am in love with those two boys.  i get such a kick out of their smiles, their laughs, the way they interact with each other.  after hide and seek and sending the boys to bed, we made no-bake cookies and jammed on the guitar.  kaylyn is so talented, so is bobby.  i am so blessed to be surrounded my good people.  people who make me want to be better, kinder, more patient, more accepting, and true to my self. 

life is beautiful.