Hospital Beds

I sat there, staring at the painting that hung on the wall in front of me.  He lay beside me, drifting in and out of sleep, his swollen fingers tapping on the pile of pillows that supported his broken wrist.

I saw the whole thing happen.  In a matter of seconds our plans had changed and we were rushing off to the emergency room. I watched as the doctor straightened out the crooked bone and I waited as they placed a metal plate inside his lower arm.  "It could have been worse", the nurses told me.  They have seen commas, paralysis and even death.

When I arrived home that evening, every emotion I had suppressed appeared and I cried.

I cried because it could have been worse.

For whatever reason, he was safe and for whatever reason, others weren't.  I thought about our Saturday night plans and the fact that his cast will be off in a few short weeks.  I began to pray for those who rush into the ER not knowing whether or not their loved one will come out alive.

The day after the accident, I spent the day by his side.  In all honesty, he didn't need me there but, I needed him and I needed the reminders that can only come from laying in a hospital bed next to someone whose pain you know will end, but whose pain you would do anything to take away.

I needed to see the young couple rushing through the hospital doors-- her belly about to pop, his hands carrying the diaper bag they would be needing in a few short hours.  I needed to see the face of the elderly women laying sick in the bedroom two doors down.  As I noticed these ladies, I couldn't help but realize that in due time, I will be in both of their shoes.  It made me wonder what I will make of my life until I reach those moments.  Of the many lessons I have learned this weekend, I have come to understand the importance of living life to its fullest.  Life will change and inevitably (just as this weekend proved) so will my plans, but happiness comes from learning to enjoy life and from not living in fear of the negative occurring.

Over the past 48 hours I have become insanely aware of my gratitude for this thing called life.  Although I wasn't the one in pain, I count modern medicine, caring physicians, and a body that functions and heals as a few of my greatest blessings. I am thankful for the moments which remind me that I am alive and most importantly I am grateful for friends, family, and faith that make my life worth living.

Although it could have been worse, life couldn't get any better.

At the Moment

There's something different about this one.  Something about the way he makes me laugh.  Something about the way I never want to leave his side.  I can't get enough of his brown eyes or his wide smile. He holds my hand whenever I want and kisses my cheek when he wants me close. Somehow it isn't about winning him over or convincing him of a feeling that I can't put into words. He just knows.  

He calms my fears.  He has replaced my doubts with trust and turned my anxiety into a peaceful reassurance that what I am doing is right and where I am going is good.  

Removing the Mask

Last week I bought an old polaroid camera at a thrift store.  When I used it for the first time I knew that there was a chance that the camera would not work or the film would not develop properly.  When the camera ejected the film for the first time, I waited anxiously to see if the image had been successfully captured.  Thirty minutes went past before I accepted the fate of that single photograph.   

At first I was disappointed about the image but as I looked at it, I began to find beauty in the failed snapshot.  At the top of the photo you can see the tips of the snow-covered mountains which are part of the Wasatch Mountain Range.  If the image had developed properly your eyes could see the blue ice and cold water which covers part of the canyon wall.  But, Bridal Veil Falls is hidden behind a black mass of broken film, leaving one to wonder what lies beneath.  

If you were told that behind that dark and foggy bulk there is one of the most attractive scenes you could ever imagine, you may not believe it.

Growing up my mother could make spiritual metaphors out of almost anything.  As I stared at the image above I began to think of my life and how often I over look the beauty that may lie behind a layer of imperfection.  How often do I judge someone based on what I see up front?  How much could I benefit from the understanding that behind the mask there is elegance and splendor beyond compare?

This past weekend I have had multiple experiences which have brought me closer to comprehending the love that God has for each of his children.  How incredible would life be if we could always see the potential, talent, and goodness which each person brings to the table?

I  have a firm testimony that we are all Sons and Daughters of God but I often forget this simple fact.  Time and time again I find myself comparing and competing with others instead of acknowledging this truth.  

As the new year begins I am thankful for the reminders I am given of each individual's worth. I am grateful that God allows me to relearn and rediscover this truth and I appreciate what these experiences teach me. As each day unfolds, I find myself understanding more and more the importance of removing the negative filters that hide us from the humanity of others. Doing so allows us to draw closer to God and makes life more exquisite and full.

on living and legacies

My grandfather Earle, passed away while I was a sophomore in high school.  It was a hard loss for my family but, his passing was made easier by our shared knowledge of the Everlasting Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The blessings of the temple allow us the peace and comfort of knowing that through righteous living, we will be together as a family again and that the bonds which we created in this life will be perpetuated in the next.  

Today, as I was looking through my mother's Book of Remembrance, I found a letter which my grandpa wrote to her, almost forty years ago.  I couldn't help from crying as memories of his kindness and goodness came flooding back into my heart and mind.  What a humble man and amazing example.

This holiday season, his words spoke to me as if I were sitting with him in my Grandma's kitchen.

"Christmas is a time for giving and a time for sharing.  As your father, I must admit to a sense of sadness at this season.   More than anything this Christmas I suppose I covet the ability to shower my children with the gifts that fulfill the desires of your hearts and then to give each of you additions which you dared not hope for.  The sense of sadness comes in facing reality, in accepting the impossibility of showering each of you with the comforts and extravagances you deserve. As I have contemplated this Christmas, I realize there are things we have as a family which are far more precious than anything we can purchase.  Lynnell, there are feelings inside of me, there is a knowledge I have, there is a security I sense which is greater than the riches of the world or anything else I could give you this Christmas.  I pray that as time goes by these feelings will grow in your heart and become as important to you as they have become to me."

My grandpa found happiness in ham radio and telling stories to his grandchildren.  He would tickle us and tease us until our cheeks were red from laughter or our eyes were red from tears.  He never drove a nice car but loved spending time in nature with his hunting dogs and homing pigeons.  

One of the most important lessons I have learned from this great man is that you don't need to lead an extravagant life in order to leave an extraordinary legacy. 

Love you Grandpa Earle.

orange sky

God was smiling as He painted the most magnificent sunset.

I smiled as the perfect combination of creamsicle orange & coral turned into the softest shade of violet.

The horizon was on fire and so was I.

I floated beneath the vast universe, feeling small and insignificant as the waves lulled me into a trance.

A trance that only the ocean could encourage, a trance that only the ocean could break.

I don't know how long I was suspended there.

All I know is that the sky was the perfect combination of creamsicle orange, coral and the softest shade of violet.

my heart beats for you

The ocean seeped through my pores and into my blood stream. 

The unique sensation spilled into my heart and has been pumping through my veins ever since.

Crashing moments of confusion and chaos-- 

warmth and depth.
Ripples of solitude, vast darkness 

and intense moments of clarity.

Constant grandeur with 

movements of unpredictability.

Change, so much change.

Beams of light and love.