my heart beats for you

The ocean seeped through my pores and into my blood stream. 

The unique sensation spilled into my heart and has been pumping through my veins ever since.

Crashing moments of confusion and chaos-- 

warmth and depth.
Ripples of solitude, vast darkness 

and intense moments of clarity.

Constant grandeur with 

movements of unpredictability.

Change, so much change.

Beams of light and love.

thoughts on barefeet

I remember learning how to tie my shoe laces.  Looping the two bunny-years through a hole and tying a double knot.  I showed my classmates, my grandparents and my older brother.  They were proud but my feet felt claustrophobic.  As a child, I hated shoes.  I loved feeling the hot cement burn the soles of my feet and feeling the wet grass squeak between the cracks of my toes.  I would delicately step across the gravel which led to our pasture-- the little pebbles creating indents on my dirty little feet.  There was a stream that ran in front of my house.  My feet splashed in the cold water and slipped along the mossy rocks.  My feet helped me climb trees or win a game of tag.  They would curl around the pedals of my bike and propel me forward on my scooter. 

My grandma would tell that if I didn’t wear shoes I would catch a cold and my father would tell me to stay off the carpet.  My mother would make me rinse my feet off every night before I could get into bed.  In the bathroom, I would wrap my toes around the gold handles of the drawers to help hoist myself onto the counter.  I would grab a wash cloth and the bar of soap and start scrubbing off the grey grime.  It was as if my feet were crying black tears as the memories of the day were washed down the drain.  There went the puddle jumping, the games of football with my brothers, or chlorine from a day at the pool.  

My feet carried my body, my feet carried my memories.

After the tears had been shed, I would dry the remains and hop down from the counter and feel the smooth linoleum beneath my pink feet.  I would then run across the hall, the carpet comforting my soles after their loss.  I’d clamber up onto my bed and reach my toes to the coolest part of my sheets. I’d wiggle them around and then close my eyes.

My feet have brought me up mountains and have splattered around in the Italian Riviera.  Sometimes they are covered in mud and when the music starts, they move me across the dance floor. I love when the waves of the ocean embrace my skin or when the sand clings to my toes long after I have left the beach.  I love feeling the grass prickle the bottom of my thick soles and the heat from the dark pavement seep through my calloused heals.

My feet carry my body, my feet carry my memories.

As I have reached adulthood, I rarely hear my grandmother caution me against illness and since I don't live at home, I am never told to keep my feet off of the carpet.  But, most nights, I still find myself with a washcloth and soap in hand.  And my feet still cry as the bubbles and warm water carry the moments of the day away from my soles.  

I dry the tears and run across the unswept linoleum of my apartment and crawl into bed, reaching my bare-feet to the coolest part of my sheets.  I wiggle my toes around a bit, then close my eyes.

My feet will carry my body, my feet will carry my memories.

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Khalil Gibran

Good Company

I recently decided to start featuring people on my blog.
 Friends who inspire me or encourage me to be a better person.
But most of all, people whom I love and who make me feel loved in return.  

That's what life is all about right?

The first time I had a conversation with Emma, she told me she wanted to chop her hair off.  Being an advocate for short cuts, I strongly encouraged the idea.  At that time, I had just decided to grow my locks out and I would have killed for her long hair.  It was the perfect color and consisted of the curls I can only dream of having.  It was beautiful. A few months later, the length was gone but the beauty remained. She looked just as stunning.  I admire Emma.  Her courage, her views on life and the love her and her husband share for each other.  I've had the chance to interact with her in different spaces-- the beach, in the water, and the classroom.  She is fun to be around and very kind.

And besides all of that goodness, she is real and she is talented.

She is real talented.

Below, she writes about her love of film photography.

Good Company for sure.

---

my love for film photography, for light and texture and raw storytelling, grew from a love for words. writing, the art of stringing good words together to create an image, taught me to see the world, to absorb rich details and feel the electricity of human experience. to write is to notice you are alive, to thank God for fingers and toes, for afternoon naps and love. to write is to allow yourself to feel thick emotion, to simultaneously experience and observe your own narrative.

shooting film, likewise, has expanded my gratitude for living--for the way afternoon light floods my apartment, the texture of my bedspread, my husbands skin. film is honest, tactile, flawed. film is inconvenient, it requires patience. in a world where everything rushes, film is slow, a process of mechanics and human touch. i wind a roll of thirty-five millimeter film through my canon AE-1 and carefully focus the lens, releasing the shutter with my breath half held. days or weeks later, i find my way to the drugstore and develop twenty-four exposures of good moments, grand and ordinary. an incredible view of the sea, or peaches on my wooden cutting board.

LA MAR

The new school year brings deadlines and time restraints.   I just started my last semester of college so, I am trying hard to balance my commitment to education and my desire to absorb all the fun I can handle.

It goes without saying, we don't let school get in the way of our education.

"...the sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonders forever."

Jacques-Yves Cousteau

sealed the deal

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that a couple can be sealed together for time and all eternity.

Yesterday we celebrated the marriage of my best friend Maggie and her new husband, Taylor.  

It was a beautiful day full of love, laughs and plenty of rain. I couldn't be happier for them.

 

 

"It was the love of love, the love that swallows up all else, a grateful love, 

a love engendering  gentleness and goodness.."

William Carlos Williams

no reservations

I have been back from Europe for a week and I have been trying hard to think about how to encapsulate my six-week adventure but, the truth is, no words can describe the experiences I had.

So, until I feel comfortable writing all my thoughts down, I will echo Anthony Bordain's parting words from the finale of the television series, No Reservations.

"If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody."

"Open your mind, get up off the couch, move."

"everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

If you haven't read the convocation speech which George Saunders delivered at Syracuse University, you should.  He states so simply the importance of being kind without undermining the efforts we should take as individuals to focus on our own growth and personal achievements.

"Do all the other things, the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers– but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness.  Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial.  That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality – your soul, if you will – is as bright and shining as any that has ever been.  Bright as Shakespeare’s, bright as Gandhi’s, bright as Mother Theresa’s.  Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place.  Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly."

Damon Winter/The New York Times

Rochers de Naye: No Regrets

My schedule here is a little wacky.  Each day has consisted of something new.  Monday I slept in. Tuesday morning I woke up at 6:00 and attempted a morning run.  Bad idea.  A, I am out of shape. B, I am living at a very different altitude than the one I am use to in Hawaii.  C, it was freezing.

Breakfast is served from 7:45am to 8:30am.  After breakfast, I then head off to trainings which start around 9:30am. There have been about three trainings a day, each lasting about two hours.  One in the morning, one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  In between I have been squeezing in naps and down time.  I'm trying very hard to balance my down time and any sort of social life.  I want to take advantage of the time I have to interact with all these wonderful people but, by the same token, I want to take advantage of any time I can have to myself.  I'm still working that one out.

Last night presented us interns with our wackiest schedule yet.  When Rob (one of our intern directors) suggested we wake up at 1:45am to go on a hike, I was a little surprised.  I was tempted to stay in bed, catch up on the sleep I seem to still be needing and wake up at the usual 7:00am (that was definitely the warmer of the two options). However, I knew it was something I wouldn't want to miss out on and I would regret not going. So, my roommates and I woke up at 1:45am and set off.  I don't know what I expected but, the hike definitely exceeded any exceptions I may have had.  Saying that I was on "Cloud Nine" would probably fit my reaction to the hike perfectly.  I love hiking, I am use to pretty mountains, I enjoy being outside but, this sunrise hike trumped anything I have ever done. 

The mountains here are spectacular.  Besides the absence of large castles, I felt as if I was walking through Rivendell, straight out of Lord of the Rings.  Stone pathways, thousands of trees, rolling hills, and (removing ourselves from the Lord of the Rings imagery) there are numerous cottages spread throughout the woods and hills that fit perfectly any stereotype you may have of a "swiss cottage"--Cute paneled wood, intricate hand carved railings, green shutters and smoke rising out of the chimney. I'm talking about picture-perfect beauty, I am constantly having to ask myself if this is real life. 

We arrived at the summit of Rochers de Naye after about three hours of hiking.  I have survived cold temperatures before but at least those times, I have been properly outfitted.  Ladies and gents, it was bitter cold and howling wind.  There was snow on the ground and I swear ice was falling out of my nose.  My fingers and toes are still unthawing.  The sun came up and the view was breathtaking.  Although I was cold, the smile could not be wiped off my face and my heart felt on fire.  I love nature.  I love God.  And I love connecting the two.  I am so thankful that my parents have instilled a love of the outdoors in me.  Without it, I probably wouldn't have made it very far this morning.  I took my film camera up and I can't wait to get the pictures developed once I get home to Utah.  But, for now, these photos will have to do.

 

As silly as it sounds, I learned a lot from this hike.  Waking up at 1:45am in the morning for thirteen miles and seven hours of hiking can teach you a lot about yourself.

I realized my potential to be positive and how big of a difference it makes in the enjoyment of an experience.  Both for oneself and those around.

I learned how good it feels to help people who may be having a hard time making it up or down the mountain (literally and figuratively).  At one point, I was helping my new friend Rana down the moment and as I held her hand, I felt so much peace and happiness in my soul.  Five days ago, this girl and I had never met.  She was living her life in Egypt and I was doing my thing in Provo, Utah.  Today's hike connected us.  It connected us as interns, as friends, and as Children of God.

I talked with multiple people about religion and faith this morning. The idea of religion and remaining committed and devoted to an idea or being more powerful than ourselves amazes me. When I first arrived here, I felt lonely and that I was lacking spiritual connectedness.  I have rarely had the opportunity or experience of being the only Mormon in a large group of people so, my faith is being put to the test.  I realized today that although I will continue to attend my Sunday sacrament meetings and that I will always read my scriptures and pray, we can connect to God through the sunrise, the smile of another, a helping hand or a conversation.  

When we started the hike, it was very dark.  Although it was hard to see much of anything, through hard work and by putting one foot in front of the other, we eventually ended up at our destination and boy, was it an amazing one.  However, that's not to say the road wasn't steep or rocky.  I think life is kind of like that, at least that is what I keep telling myself.  At times, things will get tough and the mountains we climb can be steep.  We may fall or slip but, through endurance, the journey will be accomplished.

I'm thankful that my journey in life has led me to Caux, Switzerland.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but, by taking life one step at a time, relying on the help of others and the Lord, and by finding joy in the journey, I know I will one day arrive at my destination in safety. And boy, I know it will be good one.  

everyday

In the morning when I wake and the sun is coming through,

Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness & you fill my head with you.

dance all night

lately, all i want to do is dance.

when my words touch your ears

Last year I submitted a photo of mine to a literary journal on campus and it was accepted for publishing.  This year, I submitted another photo and again, it was chosen to be published.  I'm no Ansel Adams but, it's fun knowing that others find beauty in an image that I captured.

"Music Makes It All Good"
Denver, Colorado

I love this photo-- what a simple and profound truth.  I honestly believe that song is a form of prayer.  A friend who comforts us while we rest in the trenches of sorrow or rejoices with us in our happiest moments.  Music conveys emotions that we can't express in any other way.  When I think back on childhood memories, they are accompanied by a unique tune or two.  Music really does make it all good.

So, while you're at it, give this number a listen.

fire and rain

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

nirvana

i love when music melts into your skin, flows through your veins, and finds a place in your heart.

alohas and mahalos

i love when i have a good excuse to play tourist on this beautiful island.

hot-tubing at turtle bay, good food galore, surfing, karaoke, sunsets, and the pcc.

thanks jon and jamie for a fun weekend!

 

 

 

happiness

i started reading the book "mere christianity" the other day and it is blowing my mind.

c.s. lewis has a way with words.  the chapter i read today focused a lot on the idea of free-will and happiness and this quote struck my fancy:

"the happiness which god designs for his higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water".

later in the chapter he discusses the idea of satan's plan to counterfeit the happiness god offers to us.

"when satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could 'be like gods'--could set up their own as if they had created themselves--be their own masters--invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside of god, apart from god.  and out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history-- money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery-- the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than god which will make him happy."

these ideas really got me thinking about the relationship i have with god and its correlation to my happiness.

i started making a list of everything that makes me happy:
long conversations with my best friend
the guitar
yoga, running, and being healthy
sitting on the back porch with my family
jumping into a pool
hitting a really good volley in tennis
surfing
running on the beach
eating good food
going to the temple
sunsets
family dinner
driving with the windows down and the music loud
running through the grass with bare-feet
being in love
riding my bike or longboard
working hard
***
the list goes on and on.  i am such a blessed girl.  honestly, it makes me emotional thinking about the life i have been given.  i make mistakes everyday yet somehow, god's love and blessings are always there.  i have an amazing family, a healthy body, the kindest friends, a beautiful home, a rocking education and i'm a member of the most soul-filing religion out there.  i get down about life sometimes, it's perplexities, and the unknown but i have every reason to be the happiest human alive and guess what?  i think i am.

"I hope we can be happy where we are, be grateful for our blessings—now, here—accept the challenge that is ours and make the most of it, and not be envious of others...God help us to be grateful for our blessings and never to be guilty of the sin ingratitude" 

Ezra Taft Benson

my faraway one

i found this picture on one of my favorite websites today.  

it's of georgia o'keeffe and her lover, alfred stieglitz.

for thirty years, they wrote almost 25,000 pages of letters to each other.

i swoon over this stuff. 

with statements like the ones below, how could i not?

"i'm getting to like you so tremendously that it sometimes scares me.  having told you so much of me--more than anyone else i know--could anything else follow but that i should want you?" (o'keeffe)

"all i want is to preserve that wonderful something which so purely exists between us." (steiglitz)

like a boss DJ

sublime's lyrics+mat's voice=

one great combination.

when words fail, music speaks

la mar

there is a certain vitality that comes from the ocean.  it gets in your veins and once it does, your heart won't stop pumping it through your body-- it sends an indescribable energy to all your limbs, to your mind, to your life.  the endless and infinitely deep water screams freedom, mystery, and adventure. oh, how i love the ocean!  i wish i could breath in the color of the waves and bottle-up the taste of salt that lingers on my lips.

"We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch - we are going back from whence we came."
John F. Kennedy